Two Lost Souls
by AlexisRose84
Summary: There was a time in her life when Anna Smith knew what she wanted and who she was, but that time has passed. Falling down a path of self-destruction, she stumbles upon a man who begins to change her life for the better. But this man, John Bates, has some ghosts of his own. Modern AU John/Anna Anna/Mary friendship COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

_**My muse is working full force lately. It apparently needs to run in about a million directions. So here is it's newest venture. This story will be dark and I'll go ahead and give a language warning. I haven't decided if it will be M or T, yet. For now I'll stick with T, but I may eventually up it to M depending on where my muse takes me with it. Anna won't be our Anna at the beginning of the story. She's changed. This story will deal with darker themes. Enjoy this short prologue to the upcoming story! **_

**Two Lost Souls **

The stench of alcohol and smoke filled the room, making it nearly unbearable to breathe. Anna sat up and crooked up her nose, before turning her eyes and seeing the offending smoke bellowing up from the makeshift ashtray on the stand. It obviously hadn't been extinguished enough before and now the smell still wafted around the room.

Anna stood and ignored the hand that fell off her stomach and heavy on the bed. She picked up the cigarette and took it to the sink, where she began to run water over it to get the smoke to stop. Then she dropped it into the sink and sauntered her way back into the room.

Her eyes fell over the naked body in the bed and she sighed. Knowing that she had very little time before he awoke, she began to search for her clothes and undergarments. The stench of cigarette smoke still filled the air and she wrinkled up her nose. She hated that smell. Of all the bad habits she had picked up recently, she was glad that was not one of them.

She found her underwear under the man's foot. She peeled it away and quickly slipped them on, now on the search for her bra. It was tangled up on a chair with the man's shirt. She untangled the bra and threw it into her purse. Once she found her dress, she slipped it over her frame, while quickly putting on her shoes at the same time.

When she was sure she had everything, Anna quietly walked through the man's apartment and through his front door. Knowing she had made it outside of his apartment without being caught, she allowed herself to make a sigh of relief.

With shaky hands, she went to the Uber app to find herself a ride home. Her lips gasped when she realized the time. She was supposed to be at work in thirty minutes. There was no way she could make it home, shower, and be at work on time. Her lips twisted. She couldn't go in smelling like smoke. They were meeting with clients today.

Just then, her phone began to ring within her hand. The loud jarring sound made her jump and she closed her eyes to remind herself that she was jumpy because of all her drinking the night before.

"Hi, Mary," Anna tried to sound bright. Her head had the distinctive morning after headache from a night of heavy binging.

"Where are you? I was supposed to pick you up this morning." Mary's voice was justifiably impatient.

"I….." Anna tried to come up with a lie, but her head was too fuzzy. She heard Mary sigh on the other end of the phone.

"Just tell me where you are. I'll come and get you," Mary said in exasperation.

"I….I really need to shower," Anna answered, biting down on her lower lip.

"Dammit, Anna," Mary's patience was gone. "Today is an important day. Just…don't come in. I'll handle it."

Anna felt tears brimming in her eyes. She had hurt her friend. Mary had been so patient with her lately, but her patience was, understandably, running thin.

"I…I'm sorry," Anna whispered, chewing down on her lower lip.

"Aren't you always," Mary replied and then the line was dead.

Anna ran her hands over her face and took in several deep breaths. She was so incredibly lost and she wasn't sure how to become the person who she once was. The door opened behind her and she turned to see the man leaning up against the doorway.

"Hey," he purred, reaching out to touch her shoulder. "You could come back in and we could go for round two." Then he twisted his lips, as if he was in thought, "Or maybe we're on round 3 or 4?"

"Fuck off," Anna said to him, walking down the path to the stairs and to the front of the building to call for an Uber.

Twenty minutes later when her Uber arrived, she gladly stepped into it and wondered if she would ever be the girl she was 7 months ago. Or if she was doomed to remain in her self- destructive path until she found herself with no job, no friends, and no life.

**_To be continued..._**

**_I know it's a rough start. If you liked it and are anxious for more, let me know. I hope to get the first proper chapter up in the next day or so after I update one of my other stories. Thank you! _**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Thank you all so much for the support! I hope that you continue to like this story. It is dark and deals with dark themes. So I am warning you now. Anna is not our Anna, not yet. I may up this story to M soon. I am waiting, because my muse is ironing out some details. Thank you again! _**

**Shattered **

Walking into her flat, she began to strip down and throw all of her clothes into the washing machine. She dug into her purse for her bra and threw it into the machine, as well. Grabbing the detergent, she added an extra capful and turned it on.

Her head was pounding. She headed to her kitchen and grabbed the vodka to make her hangover cure. Using the stalk of celery she mixed the ingredients in the cup and began to sip the Bloody Mary. A strand of hair fell in front of her face and the offending smell of smoke hit her again. She set down her glass and went to shower.

Stepping into the bathroom, she caught her reflection in the mirror. She glanced down and turned to turn on the shower. As the water warmed up, her eyes fell back to the mirror. Her lower lip quivered slightly at the look of herself. Her hair was a mess, cheeks gaunt, and her eyes had dark circles around them. The bright blue of her iris had even seemed to have faded into a dull, lifeless blue. Her fingers came up to right between her breasts and she ran her fingers down over the thin, nearly invisible scar that ran from her chest down to her navel. But then, as it always seemed to do, her breath hitched in her throat at the angry scar that sat on the left side of her belly button. With tentative fingers, Anna brushed against the angry scar and then lifted her hand up quickly, as though it burned.

When she glanced back up at the mirror, she saw her eyes brimming with tears. She blinked them back. A sigh passed through her lips and she wished she had brought the Bloody Mary in the bathroom with her. She could really use a drink right now.

No. She told herself. She needed to stay focused. Mary was angry at her, rightfully so. Perhaps if Anna could get herself together, she could go into work late and try to make it up to her closest and dearest friend.

The hot water cascaded around her small frame and she closed her eyes to enjoy the heat hitting her skin. Then she began to scrub every inch of her skin, trying to erase the signs of the night before and the memories that wouldn't leave her mind.

As her foot hit the bath mat, she suddenly felt the need to vomit. The nausea could no longer be contained. She rushed to the toilet and wretched into the porcelain. After her body was finished ridding itself of the poison in her system, Anna sat back and wiped her lips with the back of her hand. Then her other hand came up to rest on her head and she felt the tears beginning to fall from her eyes.

Who was she? Who had she become?

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Mary closed the door to her office and then fell against it, using it to support her frame. She had just informed the others that their clients had canceled for this morning. It was a relief, really. After her phone conversation with Anna this morning, Mary wasn't in the right headspace to do a meeting with important clients.

She stood herself up and sighed.

"Right," she said to herself, trying to get her focus back on her work. But she couldn't. Her thoughts were elsewhere. They were with Anna. She wondered if Anna had made it back home or if she was still with her conquest of the night. Mary shuddered.

Her hand reached out and grabbed the frame off the corner of her desk. There staring back at her were two carefree women who were about ready to conquer the world.

Mary had been born into a life of luxury, everything had been given to her from birth. Anna had not. Her and Anna's friendship came from a party at college. Mary had been in law school- a career that had been pushed on her for as long as she could remember- and Anna was in business school. The two met and randomly decided they would one day start a party planning business. It had been a joke at the time and Mary had gone on to become a lawyer and work at her father's firm. Anna got a job at the firm as a secretary. But Mary was unfulfilled at that job and one day, she asked Anna if she was up for leaving and joining her on her new business venture. That had been the beginning of the Crawley and Smith party planning business.

The photo in Mary's hand was from nearly a year ago. The two should now be spending time planning their one year anniversary celebration. But instead, her friend was throwing her life away and dragging their business along with it.

Using the tip of her finger, Mary wiped tears from under her eyes. Thinking about how much her friend had changed in the past seven months absolutely broke her heart. The girl in the picture wasn't Anna, not anymore. No, that girl was full of life, full of promise. She had hope for a brighter tomorrow. Mary wasn't sure Anna had any spark of hope left within her.

_Ring. Ring._

Mary placed the picture frame back in its spot and checked the caller id on her phone. Seeing it was her husband, she quickly answered.

"Hello?" She tried not to sound as though she had a rough morning, but it was useless. Matthew always saw right through her.

"Mary? What's wrong?" Matthew quickly asked his wife. Mary heavily sighed.

"It's just…." Mary paused, "Anna."

"Oh," Matthew simply said on the other end. "Did she not show up again?"

"No," Mary replied, a shaky breath leaving her lips.

"I know you love her, Mary, and I know she's been through a lot, but it might be time to play bad cop."

"Bad cop?" Mary questioned, chuckling slightly at the absurdity of it all.

"You know when you…"

"I know what it means, Matthew. You always make me be the bad cop when it comes to parenting George."

"I do not," Matthew protested.

"You do, but that's not the point. I…I thought if I gave her time…." Mary's words faded.

"I know," Matthew lovingly replied on the other line. And Mary knew that he really did know. He had been with her that fateful day when she found Anna bruised, broken, and….well, shattered.

"I need to get going," Mary quickly stated, feeling her emotions taking over her too strongly. "I will see you this evening. You're picking up George?"

"Yes. I love you."

"I love you, too."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Running her brush through her hair, Anna walked into her living room and she was shocked to see Mary sitting in the middle of her couch.

"How….?" Before Anna could finish her question, Mary lifted her hand and showed her the spare key Anna had given her in case of emergencies. "Oh." She shook her head and twiddled uneasily with her fingers.

"I…I was going to come in later today," Anna explained. "I know that doesn't make up for this morning, but I can stay late and…"

"No, it doesn't," Mary surly replied. Her eyes fell to the Bloody Mary that set next to the sink. "I see you've already started drinking today. So you were going to come in drunk?"

"No," Anna quickly answered. "A….a couple of sips to help my headache, is all."

"A headache that came from drinking all night and a rendezvous with a random man?"

Anna swallowed hard, straightening up her shoulders. "I…I don't see how what I do in my free time is any of your business," she tried to say strongly, but her lower lip quivered slightly.

Mary tightened her lips in a straight line and shook her head incredulously. Then she stood.

"It wouldn't be if it didn't hurt your performance at our company," Mary stated. "And, you're my friend. I care about you. This…path you are on is not you."

Anna's shaky hand came up behind her neck and she turned her eyes away from Mary.

"May…maybe it is," Anna replied, though her wobbly voice gave her away.

"Anna, I'm worried about you," Mary said, walking closer to her friend and reaching for her hands. "You are doing risky things and going off with random men you don't know. What if you end up going home with someone dangerous?"

Anna jerked her hands away from Mary's and snapped, "Then they'll just finish what the other person started."

"Anna!" Mary gasped. "You can't honestly be that reckless!"

"I don't know what I am anymore, Mary!" Anna yelled back, her hands coming up to cover her face.

"I know, I know," Mary replied. She brought her hands down on Anna's shoulders and eyed Anna carefully. "I know you're lost. I know you're hurting and can't seem to find the control you used to have over your life. I….I think you need professional help."

Anna pressed her hands firmly against her face and sharply shook her head. Mary could feel Anna's body trembling against her hands.

"I….I just want it all to go away," Anna confessed in her hands. It was then that Mary noticed a distinctive line across Anna's wrist. Mary jerked Anna's arm away from her face and brought the wrist up to her eyes to get a better look at it. Anna suddenly became nervous and tried to pull her arm back, but Mary held it tighter.

"Anna…." Mary breathed, her fingers tracing over the faint, healing line.

"It's….it's not what you think," Anna's shakily stated.

"Anna, then what is it? Because at the very least it means you have been harming yourself purposely and at the most it means you thought about killing yourself. Neither of those are good," Mary's voice was sharp and frantic.

"It…it was just one time in a moment of weakness, but….but I haven't done it again. I….I won't do it again," Anna promised.

"Oh my god, Anna," Mary quietly said, her heart falling in her chest. It was worse than she ever imagined. "When?"

"I…I don't know."

"You do," Mary countered. "When?"

"About a week ago. I…it was a bad day. I….but I regretted it immediately," Anna honestly stated. Mary dropped Anna's hand and then, uncharacteristically for her, wrapped her arms tightly around Anna. Holding her fiercely.

"Please," Mary pleaded into her friend's ear. "I know I can't make you get help, but please, get help. I will help you in any way you need. Please, bother me, if you need me. Anytime of the day or night." She pulled back from Anna, but her hands lingered on Anna's upper arms. "Again, I can't force you to do anything, but I can tell put you on a work sabbatical."

"Work sabbatical? That…that sounds like a vacation."

"It's not," Mary said with a shake of her head. "You have a month. A month to figure out what exactly you want, Anna. I want us to work together, to grow our business into an empire, but I can't do that with you right now. Get yourself together and you can come back. If you don't, you have to leave. I won't let you ruin our company while you ruin yourself."

Anna bit down on the inside of her cheek, but nodded. "O…okay," she whispered. "I…I'll get it together. I…I won't…I won't let our company down. I won't let _you_ down."

Mary skeptically looked at her, but bobbed her head just the same. "Right. And please let me find you someone to speak to."

Anna's head shook.

"Anna…."

"I'll figure it out on my own. I'll make it so that work becomes my priority again. You'll see. You'll see."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

That evening she found herself down at the pub down the street. She told herself that she was just going to get a glass of wine to settle her nerves. After meeting with Mary, she had been anxious the rest of the day.

She nursed on her glass of wine and her eyes began to search the crowd. It had become a habit, she realized, searching for a man who would easily take her home. She never cared who they were, what they looked like, or if they were dangerous.

_You're supposed to care,_ a voice told her inside of her head. _Mary's right. You need help. _

"A shot of tequila," Anna told the bartender. The voices wouldn't leave her alone with wine. She needed something stronger.

"That's quite a strong drink for seven pm on a weekday," a voice said beside her. Anna turned to find a tall man with dark hair and dark eyes staring right at her.

"Not sure how that's any of your business," Anna quipped.

"It's not," the man replied.

"What will you be drinking?" Anna asked the man. "You are at a pub at the bar."

"Just water," the man simply stated.

"Water?" Anna scoffed.

"Yes, I am a recovering alcoholic," the man informed her. "Today marks me five years sober." Anna's eyes narrowed.

"And you're celebrating at a bar?"

"Yes. It's a tradition, of sorts."

"That's a stupid tradition," Anna said with a jerk of her head. "Why would you come to a bar to celebrate being sober for five years? Isn't that just tempting yourself and making it harder to keep it up?"

"Yes. That's the point."

The bartender placed the tequila in front of Anna, who snatched it up quickly and took the shot.

"Another," she told the bartender.

"Hitting it hard tonight," the man commented. Anna sighed and glanced his way.

"Why? Do you want to join me?"

"No, thank you," the man said, lifting his hands up to surrender.

"Look, you seem like a nice guy. You don't want anything to do with me," Anna honestly told him. "I'm a mess. A mess that will ruin your life. I suggest you find a nice girl who isn't me."

"I just wanted to say hello," the man said, "But if you'd like me to go away, I will. I saw a pretty girl and thought I would take a chance."

"I'm flattered, truly," Anna stated. "And there was a time…." Anna's voice faded and she bit back tears. She didn't want to think about the Anna before. "Anyway, it was nice to meet you, Mr….?"

"Bates, John Bates," he replied, reaching out his hand to give hers a shake.

"Hello, Mr. Bates, I'm Anna. Anna Smith."

**_To be continued..._**

**_I will warn that things will get worse before they get better. Please let me know what you think so far. Thank you in advance! _**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thank you to those who have read, reviewed, followed, and/or liked. I hope you continue to enjoy this dark journey. I am changing the rating to M. Just a forewarning. This chapter doesn't have much to warrant that, but I can feel my muse telling me that I'll need it later. Thank you! **_

**I've Lost Who I Am **

_Six Years Ago _

"Hi," Matthew said to Mary, coming around the corner and pecking a kiss against her cheek. "Congratulations," he added. He pulled a small package from behind his back and gave it to Mary.

"A gift?" Mary excitedly replied. Her eyes brightening. Anna stood beside her and lightly chuckled. Today they were celebrating Mary's graduation from law school. Mary had already told Matthew what gift she wanted from him and she had made sure Anna reminded him multiple times.

"I hope it's a good surprise," Matthew stated. Mary's face blanched slightly and her eyes darted up. Anna's chuckles grew.

"Matthew, don't torture her like that," Anna said with a shake of her head.

"It's exactly what you asked for," Matthew promised kissing Mary's cheek again. "Where is everyone else?"

"They'll be here. It's only five thirty. It doesn't start until six," Mary reminded him.

Mary's father, Robert, and a friend loudly walked by in the hallway. They were both holding drinks and spoke loudly about something they were both passionate about. Anna's eyes narrowed on the man next to Robert and she glanced back to Mary.

"Who's that? I haven't seen him here before."

"My dad's friend, John. He works in London. They were deployed together years ago and have stayed close ever since. Whenever those two get together, they act like they are twenty again."

"Oh," Anna answered, her eyes still following the man with Robert.

"Don't get any ideas," Mary playfully teased, watching Anna's eyes. "He's married….to a bitch, but married nonetheless." Anna glanced back at Mary and her cheeks blushed.

"I wasn't."

"Oh, I know you weren't," Mary said with a small laugh. "You are the most virtuous person I know.

Anna twisted her lips and sighed. "It's not nice to tease me."

"I'm not," Mary quickly replied, completely sincere. "I think it's wonderful how proper you are."

"Well, thanks, I guess," Anna stated. "Should we go and see if your sisters have arrived?"

"Oh, alright, but if Edith even…."

"Be nice," Anna and Matthew both stated. Mary rolled her eyes.

"I will."

The evening went well and soon it was nearing midnight. A lot of the party goers had left home, but both of Mary's sisters and their boyfriends had corralled into the big kitchen with Anna, Mary, and Matthew.

"Here, a shot for everyone!" Tom exclaimed, pouring shots in red cups. He placed one in front of each of them, but Anna shook her head.

"No, thank you."

"You still don't drink, Anna?" Edith questioned a bit surly.

"Anna has standards, unlike some people," Mary shot back, defending her friend.

"I…I didn't mean anything by it," Edith quickly said to Anna, who just shook her head.

"It's fine. I'm afraid I'm rather boring," she joked. Mary quickly jerked her head back and forth in disagreement.

"You're a blast. We could all learn a little something from Anna. Let's toast to our sweet, wonderful friend. To Anna!"

"To Anna!"

_Now _

Anna threw back the shot of tequila, attempting to get it down her throat quickly so the taste would leave her mouth sooner than later. Even after all of these months, she still hated the taste.

"Anna Smith?" The man, John Bates, rhetorically asked next to her. Anna turned to eye toward him and saw that he had dug out his phone and begun to search in it. She sighed and glanced away. Her eyes fell on a man across the pub who had his eyes on her. She met his eyes and gave him a small nod.

"Ah!" John's voice boomed next to her, making Anna jump.

"What?" Anna snapped, as she returned her attention to John.

"I knew you looked familiar. You are Mary's friend," John told her with a smile. He showed her his phone to show that he and Mary were friends on Facebook.

"How do you know Mary?" Anna asked, though her eyes kept glancing back toward the man she had nodded at only moments earlier. She hoped if she could quickly get through this conversation with John then he would leave her alone to finish why she had come to the pub in the first place.

"I don't. Not really. I know her father, Robert. He and I…"

"Oh yes, I know you. I saw you once at Mary's graduation party nearly six years ago," Anna said, remembering seeing him walking around with Robert.

"Right, I was there," John said, his lips twisting slightly. "And you are Mary's business partner, correct?"

"Yes," Anna answered. Then a light of realization flickered over John's eyes and Anna felt herself internally flinch. Even though he tried to cover it up. Anna saw it. He knew. He knew what had happened to her.

"Did Robert tell you or did you hear about it in the news?" Anna asked him, her jaw clinching slightly. Despite all the strings Mary had tried to pull to keep Anna's business out of the news, it hadn't helped. Girl attacked at party was too juicy not to share and use as a warning to other women.

"I'm sorry," John responded, running his hand over his face. Anna's hands tightened around one another and she quickly turned to face him.

"I don't need your pity; I get plenty of it. I'd just like to know if Robert was talking about me."

"He wasn't. I saw the article about it online. The location grabbed my attention. I did ask Robert about it later, to see if you were okay and if the man had been caught," John quickly explained. "And when I said I was sorry, I meant for unintentionally bringing up your past. Not for pity."

"It's fine," Anna shrugged off, not wanting to talk about it anymore. She had come to the pub for a drink and to find someone to go home with.

"Would you…"

"Look, as I said before, you seem nice enough. You're too nice and not why I am here. Congrats on your five years sober. I do hope you keep it up," Anna added, sincerely. She jumped off the stool and turned, disappointed when the man she had been eyeing earlier was now nowhere to be found.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Standing outside of the building, John glanced up and smiled. Robert had asked him to move to Downton and work for the company here now. He had been working in London for the past several years, except for those few months when he was, well…detained. But John was excited about this new venture in his life. He had tired of the busy streets of London. He wasn't made for the city life.

Opening the door, John walked into the front room and was surprised to find Mary with her four year old son, George. Mary's eyes widened slightly and she walked up to John.

"Bates," she warmly said. "Papa said you were going to start at this branch soon."

"Yes," John smiled. "I'm looking forward to being at Downton."

"It's a little less hectic than London," Mary agreed.

"I saw your friend last night at the pub," John told Mary. Mary's head crooked to the side slightly and she narrowed her eyes.

"Shouldn't you be avoiding pubs?"

"I do, but on anniversaries of my sobriety I go to test myself and make sure I don't give into my weakness," John informed Mary.

"That seems reckless," Mary told him.

"Perhaps, but I haven't given in yet. Your friend seemed…..unhappy," John continued. Mary's body tensed.

"Which friend of mine did you see at the pub?"

"Anna," John quickly answered. Mary sighed.

"I can't believe it," Mary murmured under her breath. Although, she could, actually. She knew that Anna's self-destruction wasn't going to change overnight. She had just hoped that her friend would have taken one night off of binge drinking and hopping on the first guy who offered.

"And what was Anna doing?" Mary asked, though she knew the answer.

John shook his head. "She had a couple of drinks. We spoke."

"You…you both spoke? About what?"

"Not much," John replied. "When we first started speaking, we didn't realize how we had mutual friends. We didn't talk long."

"You didn't sleep with her, did you?" Mary quickly asked. Her heart was pounding harshly in her chest.

"No, why would you ask that?" John incredulously questioned.

"Good. Don't sleep with her. In fact, if you see her again, leave her alone. Anna has plenty of battles she's facing and she doesn't need a recovering alcoholic trying to fix her life," Mary bluntly stated. Then she turned to her son. "George stop spinning around in that chair. Sit properly." When her eyes came back to John, he had a bewildered look on his face.

"I'm sorry?" He questioned, confused. "I just said hi to your friend and I am not sure what you are implying."

"You like to try to fix broken people," Mary pointed out. "Look at Vera and what that cost you. Anna drinks, a lot, and you're a recovering alcoholic. That's not a good match. Maybe in a different life, but not this one."

John nodded, "I'll leave her alone. I'm sorry." John added, being perceptive.

"About what?"

"Your friend. It's difficult to see someone you love struggling." Mary straightened her back and bit the inside of her cheek.

"Thank you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

She wasn't nearly drunk enough for this one. Anna hooked her legs over the man's hip and pushed him in deeper, hoping to finish him off quickly. Finally he collapsed over her and she rolled out from under him, bending down to grab her pants off the floor. The man's hands reached out for her hips and pulled her back toward him.

"Where are you going?" He asked, trying to nuzzle his face into her back. Anna shrugged him away and sat up at the edge of his bed, beginning to slip her pants back on.

"It's done. You got the desired result, yes?" She snipped. The guy scrunched up his nose, but nodded.

"Yes."

"Good. Now we're done."

"You don't want to go for like coffee or something?" Anna glanced over at the clock.

"It's one in the morning," she replied.

"I mean in the morning."

"No. No, I don't," Anna answered.

"Come on, stay for a little while. I'll share some of the stash I got tonight with you."

"Stash?" Anna's eyes glanced back toward him and she saw him rummaging through his pants' pockets. He pulled out a small plastic bag with pills inside of it. Anna's eyes widened some, but she felt her hand itching to grab the bag. Quickly, she stood and shook her head. The want for something that dangerous scared her.

"I….I'm going to go. Thanks, Josh, for a good time."

"My name is Jeff," the guy complained, but Anna didn't hear it, because she had already thrown on her shirt and rushed out of his bedroom door.

Once she had made it out of his building and called for an Uber to pick her up, she tried to get her heart to stop racing in her chest. Drugs. He offered her drugs and she almost said yes. The pounding of her heart ran up to her ears and she covered her eyes with the palms of her hands. Suddenly, she was struggling to breathe. Was she really ready to add another level to her destruction? Was that who she had become?

With shaky hands, she grabbed her phone out of her purse and glanced down at it. She debated on calling Mary. Mary had told her to bother her at any time, but it was the middle of the night and she was God knows where, drunk, and barely keeping it together.

Her eyes glanced back up at the guy's door. Should she go back?

_No_, her internal voice screamed at her. She pressed her hands into her hair and tried to calm herself.

Before she could chicken out, she grabbed her phone back and pushed Mary's name. Depending on whether or not Mary answered, would make her decision for her. What scared her was that she hoped Mary would be fast asleep and not hear her call.

"Anna?" Mary's worried voice came on the other end.

"I…." Anna cried into the phone.

"Where are you? Send me your location and I'll be there. Anna?"

"I don't know what I'm doing," Anna admitted, her voice broken. She heard Mary sigh on the other end.

"I know. I'll be there shortly. Don't leave."

**_To be continued..._**

**_Thanks for reading and as always, I would appreciate if you let me know what you thought. Have a great week! _**


	4. Chapter 4

_**This chapter takes place mainly in the past. Things are dark, I know. It will eventually get better. That is a promise. Enjoy! **_

**Hope Dies **

_Seven Months Ago_

"Surprise!" Everyone yelled as Anna walked in through the front door of Downton Abbey. Her jaw flew open and hands came to cover her face. She glanced over at Mary who had a grin and gave her a wink. Mary had told her that they were going out to eat to celebrate her 35th birthday, but apparently that had been a ruse. To get Anna to Downton, she had asked her to bring by some paperwork she need. The papers were still clutched in Anna's hands, as people began to filter by and give Anna big hugs.

"Happy birthday, Anna," Sybil gleefully told her. "We are so excited to be able to celebrate with you! Aren't we, Sybbie?"

"Yes! Mummy says we'll have cake!" The little girl jumped up and down, spinning to make her dress bellow out around her.

"I love your dress," Anna informed young Sybbie.

"It's like a princess," Sybbie said with a smile. "I'm going to be a doctor princess when I grow up."

"Oh wow! That sounds like a great choice," Anna said, bending down to Sybbie's level. "You'll be wonderful at it."

"Alright, we should probably go and say hello to Mama and Papa. We were running late and haven't had a chance yet," Sybil said, grabbing Sybbie's hand to lead her to the back of the room where Cora and Robert were.

Before they walked away, Tom quickly told Anna a happy birthday and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"Thanks, Tom," Anna said with a smile. As they walked away, Anna headed toward Mary who looked quite pleased with herself.

"This is all amazing, Mary, truly. How did you pull this off?" Anna asked her friend, as she wrapped her arms around her friend's shoulders.

"So, you didn't have a clue?" Mary questioned.

"Not at all," Anna honestly replied. Years ago she had mentioned to Mary how she had never really had a big birthday party and that one day she would like one. Apparently Mary had listened. "You really surprised me."

"Good! There is an entire dessert table just for you. All of your favorites are there," Mary told her. Anna happily giggled.

"That sounds amazing," Anna said. "I can't believe you did all of this for me."

"Why not? You're my dearest and best friend," Mary sincerely stated. "I love you like a sister, maybe even more than at least one of them."

"Thank you, so much. This is wonderful."

-X-X-X-X-X-

The evening continued to be a lot of fun. Even though Anna didn't know everyone at the party, she was having a blast. She had just played a round of cards with Mary, Sybil, and Tom. It had been a hearty game and now she had a small headache.

"I'm going to run outside for just a moment," Anna told Mary. "I've got a bit of a headache and need some fresh air."

"Well, be back at seven. That's when we are doing cake. Do not be late." Anna chuckled.

"I won't."

Anna skirted past several guests and darted out the back door. She was immediately hit by a gust of wind that made her tighten her shawl around her shoulders. But despite the cooler air, being away from the hustle and bustle from the party was helping ease her headache.

Her eyes lingered over the back gardens and she glanced down at her clock. She had fifteen minutes until cake time. She could do a quick walk through the gardens before she was expected. The moon was large and bright, so it would give just enough lighting to stroll through.

The gardens had always been one of her favorite parts of the Abbey. One of the first times Mary had brought her to her family estate, Anna had been in awe of the garden's beauty. She had made Mary walk her through, which Mary had told her was tedious, but she did it anyway.

A smile graced over Anna's lips when she turned the corner and she remembered the two of them laughing. She couldn't remember what it had been about, but the happiness still spread throughout her body thinking of that particular moment with her friend. Her body tensed, however, when a man walked around the corner and stood in front of her.

"Um, hello," Anna tried to say lightly. It was foolish of her to think that she could have the gardens to herself this evening. She glanced down at her watch and twisted her lips. "I…I should probably get going or Mary will hang me by my toes."

The man stepped forward and Anna's heart began to beat harshly.

"I've heard you're quite virtuous," the man said under his breath. He reeked of alcohol.

"Do….do I know you?" Anna questioned, taking a step back. The man shook his head.

"No, I came here with a friend to celebrate your birthday," the man told her. His hand came out to brush against Anna's cheek and she felt a chill run down her spine.

"Well, that…that was nice of you. As I said, I need to get going," Anna began to turn, but the man grabbed her wrist and pulled her closer to him.

"I have a gift for you," he murmured into her ear. His fingers dug into her arm and Anna could feel the panic rising within her stomach.

"I….I don't want a gift," she said, attempting to push him away. He grabbed her other wrist before shoving his lips up against hers. "Please," Anna begged, as she pulled away. "I….Mary will be looking for me. I…."

Before Anna knew it, he had smacked his hand against her jaw and then pushed her down to the ground. Her panic grew even higher, when the man pulled a large knife out of his back pocket.

"No, please, no," Anna begged. Her body shaking. She wanted to fight back, but panic had frozen her in her spot. With one quick swoop, the man had run the knife down ripping front of her dress. "Please," Anna tried one more time, as she heard the sound of his zipper being unzipped.

"Shh….I'm giving you your gift."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Where's Anna?" Mary asked Edith. Her eyes scanned the room. It was nearly seven and Anna was nowhere in sight. Edith just shrugged her shoulders. Not pleased with Edith's answer, Mary passed her and searched for someone who might know.

"Mary, what's wrong?" Matthew questioned his wife.

"Anna isn't here and we're about to do the cake. She went outside to get some fresh air, but I told her not to be late," Mary exclaimed.

"I'll go and find her," Matthew said.

"I'll come with you, because when I find her gallivanting in the garden I'd like to give her a piece of my mind about being late to her own cake cutting!"

"It's her birthday. Shouldn't she do what's fun for her?" Matthew tried to reason, as he opened the back door for Mary. Mary's head shook.

"No. It's my party," Mary said contrarily. Although, Matthew knew she didn't mean it. Mary had spent a long time making sure the party was perfect for Anna and he knew she could get uptight when it came to her plans.

Mary knew to go to the gardens. It had always been Anna's favorite spot. She led Matthew down the paths toward the back and then a loud piercing scream left Mary's lips. Matthew stepped up behind his wife and his stomach dropped.

"Anna!" Mary cried, rushing to her friend's side. Matthew followed behind. There, lying in a puddle of her own blood, was Anna. Her dress had been cut from her body and her undergarments had been torn off. There was a thin line of blood down her chest, but on the side of her belly button there was a large, deep cut that was bleeding profusely.

"Anna, oh my god, Anna!" Mary screamed. She pressed her hands against the gash, trying to stop the bleeding. Her eyes glanced over her frame and her lower lip trembled at the sight of her friend. "We…we have to help her! Call for an ambulance!" Mary's voice was frantic.

Matthew was already tearing off his jacket and shirt. He balled his shirt up and handed it to Mary.

"Place this over the gash. Stop the bleeding," he said, taking charge. With shaky hands, Mary did as her husband told her. Matthew then draped his jacket over Anna's exposed frame. Taking two of his fingers, he grabbed her wrist and sighed.

"She's still alive. We should get Sybil and my mother," Matthew said, reaching for his phone.

"Call an ambulance and go and get them!" Mary commanded.

"I….I don't want to leave you out here. The person who did this could still be out here," Matthew disagreed. "I'll call them. Keep pressure on the wound."

Matthew dialed for an ambulance and then called for Sybil and his mother. Then he bent down by Mary and placed his hand lovingly on her shoulder.

"They are all coming," he whispered to her.

"She…she's bleeding through the shirt," Mary cried. Matthew pulled off his undershirt and traded spots with Mary, placing the new shirt over the wound. Mary moved up to Anna's head and held her hand firmly. "Please," Mary murmured. "Please, Anna."

_Now _

The image of Anna's bruised, beaten, and broken body flashed over Mary's eyes as she pulled into the parking lot of the pin Anna sent her. Fresh tears were swarming in Mary's eyes and she had that same sinking feeling that she was going to lose her friend like she had the night she found her out in the gardens. She could still remember the feeling of the blood on her hands and the clamminess of her skin.

"Please," Mary murmured, worried for her friend, "Please, Anna." She parked her car and she could feel her heart tightening in her chest. Anna was nowhere to be found.

Mary stepped out of the car and started to walk around the building. She pulled out her phone to text Anna, but that was when she heard a whimper. Mary glanced around the corner and saw Anna sitting on the steps on the outside of the building. Her head was buried in her knees.

"Anna," Mary carefully stated, taking steps closer to her friend and sitting down next to her. Anna glanced up from her legs and her cheeks were stained with tears. Mary brought her hand down against Anna's back and pulled her against her chest. "What happened? Did…did someone hurt you?" It was Mary's fear. She feared that Anna would come across another evil man and this time she would be completely stolen from them. Anna's head shook.

"No," Anna whispered.

"Then what happened? Please tell me," Mary pleaded. Anna shook her head again and Mary could feel wetness from Anna's tears seeping into her shirt. "Okay, you don't have to tell me right now. But let's get you home, at least."

Anna sat up and wiped her face with her palms. She followed Mary to her car and got into the passenger seat. Her flat was only ten minutes away and soon they had arrived.

Inside of the house, Mary began to make tea. Her eyes, however, never left Anna. Anna was sitting quietly on her sofa staring out the window. Her small frame shook ever so slightly when a new sob tried to escape her lips.

Bringing the tea to Anna, Mary sat down next to her. She placed the tea on the coffee table in front of them and eyed Anna carefully.

"Are you going to tell me what happened now?" Mary watched as Anna's lower lip began to tremble.

"I….I just….I got close to doing something I never thought I would do," Anna admitted, her teeth chattering.

"You do a lot of things I never thought you would do," Mary said. But she hadn't meant to, the words had just slipped out. Mary shook her head and added, "What were you going to do?"

"The guy I slept with tonight offered me drugs and I almost said yes," Anna quietly confessed.

"Oh Anna," Mary said, her hand coming up over her lips. Then she dropped her hand and grabbed Anna's. "I'm so glad you didn't. Thank you for calling me." Anna's eyes glazed over with fresh tears.

"I….I'm just terrified all the time, Mary. I….I can't find myself." Mary bit down on her lower lip to keep from crying.

"I know," Mary whispered. Anna's head fell into Mary's lap and she allowed herself to sob. As Mary's hand ran through her friend's hair, she thought about how she was also terrified all the time, too. She just wasn't scared of the same thing as Anna. No, Mary was terrified every day of losing her best friend and everyday it felt more and more like her nightmare was becoming a reality.

_**To be continued...**_

**I know that there wasn't any John in this chapter, but he will be in the next one. I promise. :) Thank you for reading! **


	5. Chapter 5

_Shorter, lighter chapter ahead. A little break in the angst, before it gets tougher. Thank you for reading and enjoy! _

**Who I Am From the Start**

Groaning loudly, Anna's hand flew to her head. She rolled to her side and the thin blanket Mary had placed over her body fell to the floor next to the couch. A loud retching sound made Anna glance over her shoulder toward the bathroom. Moments later, Mary walked out of the bathroom looking pale.

"Mary, are you alright?" Anna worriedly asked. She jumped up from the couch, but her hangover made her pause and press the heel of her hand against her forehead.

"I'm fine," Mary answered her. "I'm just pregnant." Anna dropped her hand to over her lips and gasped.

"You're pregnant? How far along are you?" Anna happily asked her friend. Mary rubbed her hand over her face and shook her head.

"Thirteen weeks," she simply replied.

"Th….thirteen weeks and you haven't told me?" Anna tried not to sound hurt, but it was there. They used to tell each other everything. Anna had been with Mary the day she bought the pregnancy test to find out if she was pregnant with George.

"And when, exactly, would I have told you?" Mary curtly replied. She then sighed heavily. "Sorry, I didn't mean…."

"No, you're right," Anna quickly responded. "I….I haven't been there for you. Things haven't been the same since…." Anna's words faded. Then she tried to force a bright smile upon her lips. "I'm so happy for you. Thirteen weeks!"

"Yes, and so much for morning sickness stopping after the first trimester. I barely had any with George, so I am guessing this one is a girl."

Mary sat down in the chair across from Anna's sofa and leaned back for a moment. She placed her hands over her still flat abdomen and sighed, again. Taking Mary's lead, Anna also took a seat. After she sat down, she lifted the blanket up off the floor and began to fold it to set it against the back of the sofa.

"A girl would be exciting. Have you picked out any names?"

"If it's a boy, no. Matthew and I can't seem to decide. If it's a girl, we want to name her after Granny," Mary answered. "But we wouldn't call her Violet; we'd call her Letty, for short."

"That's sweet. I'm sure your Granny would be honored," Anna said with a genuine smile. She adored George. Before the attack, Anna had spent a lot of time with Mary, Matthew, and George. She had been like an extra aunt to the small boy and enjoyed every moment of it. Another child to love made Anna happy. But soon her smile faded, because she doubted Mary wanted her near her children now and she didn't blame her.

"Let's hope so," Mary said. Then she sat forward, meeting Anna's eyes. "I'm glad you called me last night. But I can't help you, Anna. Not in the way you need it. Let me make you an appointment with this therapist I know, please."

Anna nervously clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth and she could feel her heart beating harshly in her chest. Just the thought of talking about what happened made her feel like she would burst.

"Anna," Mary sharply stated. Anna sat up and slowly nodded her head.

"I…I'll try," Anna agreed.

"Good. You'll like her. She's nice and understanding."

"Okay," Anna said with a nod. She brought her hands up anxiously to her chest and began to pull at her fingers.

"Will you do me a favor until I can have the appointment set up?" Mary questioned her friend.

"What's that?"

"Don't go out and drink tonight or sleep with anyone? Take the night off. Please, for me."

Anna began to chew on the side of her thumb, but she bobbed her head up and down in agreement.

"You can come over for dinner. We can help distract…."

"No, I can do it without distractions." But Anna didn't sound as confident in herself as she was trying to be.

"Are you sure? We'll play games. It'll be like old times."

"No, I….You have George and are pregnant. You don't need to be babysitting me on top of that," Anna replied. "I'll be fine. Truly." It wasn't as though Anna did it every single night. There had been nights she had stayed home and not gone out. Of course, many of those nights she had just drunk alone.

"Okay, but if you find yourself in trouble, please call me or Matthew or Sybil or Tom….anyone of us will come and get you." Anna took a deep breath.

"I won't, but thank you.'"

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Pressing her hands against the kitchen counter, Anna let out a loud sigh. She already wanted a drink. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was only three in the afternoon. How was she going to make it all night without a drink or without finding a random hook up? She groaned and removed her hands from the counter.

She had been alone in her thoughts all day. After Mary left, Anna tried to find ways to occupy herself. Without any work to do, she found herself struggling to fill her time. There were no shows she wanted to watch and she didn't have any new books to read. She had started by reorganizing her closets, but she had so little stuff that it didn't take her too long.

Finally, she decided she needed to get out of the house. Perhaps she needed a new hobby to help and fill her time. She liked to read. So she decided to start by walking down to the bookstore at the corner of her street. It was a fun, small, locally owned bookshop. Before her life had been turned upside down, Anna had spent many hours a week at the bookshop. She would take hours and hours reading descriptions and choosing the best book for the week. It had been one of her favorite parts of her life before it all changed.

When she walked into the store, her eyes watered. The smell alone took her back to a simpler time. Shaking away the tears, Anna stepped forward to the most popular books. Her fingers reached out and brushed along the covers of the books. As covers and titles caught her attention, she would lift the book up and read the summary on the back.

Turning to go to the historical fiction books, she collided with another person, making his books fly out of his hand. Anna quickly bent down and began to pick them up, while apologizing at the same time.

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention. I…." Anna's words caught in her throat when she met eyes with the person she ran into. It was John Bates from the other night. "Oh," she stated, "It's you." John chuckled slightly and took the books from Anna's hands.

"Yes, it is me," he replied, still laughing.

"That's a lot of books," Anna stated. In John's hands there were at least ten books.

"I like to read, to learn," John told her. "You don't have any," he observed.

"I choose one book a week. Or at least, that used to be the way I did it. I haven't been in this bookstore for over seven months," Anna wistfully said. "It makes it more challenging. I have to choose one book out of all the ones I want to buy."

"Ah, I don't have that kind of self-control. If I see a book I'm interested in, nine out of ten times, I'm going to buy it."

A small smile graced Anna's lips and she turned her head to the side to see the titles of John's books.

"You're a historian, I see," she discerned.

"I do like history," John confirmed. "I do, also, like a good science fiction series."

"Which series have you been reading lately?"

"_Game of Thrones_. I am a bit late to the fandom, but I am enjoying the books," John answered.

"Oh, I loved _Game of Thrones_, well, until the end. The show that is. I never could read the books. They were a bit too tedious for me. I'm actually a bit of a _Game of Thrones_ poser. Once the guy that tortures people joined the show, I had to duck out for a while. So I actually skipped a few seasons and just came back for the ending," Anna laughed at herself. "The books aren't finished, yet, right?"

"No, so I don't know why I decided to start them. I feel it'll just end with disappointment."

"Did you watch the series?" Anna questioned. John shook his head. "Well, that'll leave you disappointed, as well. At least, it did me. But whenever the books are finished, I'm sure it'll be better."

"If they are ever finished," John added. Anna nodded slightly in agreement, her small smile expanding into a brighter one. "After you've found your book, would you like to go next door for some coffee?"

"I don't like coffee," Anna quickly answered, but then she added, "I do like hot chocolate."

"Hot chocolate, then?"

"Okay, but if we do, you have to promise you won't fall in love with me," Anna joked, using one of her favorite lines from one of her favorite books/movies.

John chuckled in response to her words and shook his head, "Promised."

"Good, it'll take me a while to choose a book, so I'll meet you in the coffee shop at 5:30?"

"Deal."

**_To be continued..._**

_Two trivia questions for you: The first is "Do you know what movie/book the quote comes from?" and the second is "What is the significance of Mary's possible nickname, Letty?" You, of course, don't have to answer. Just some little things I threw into the story. I will answer when the next chapter is posted. I will hopefully have it up soon. I need to update All We Needed first. Thank you so much for reading and if you have the time, please let me know what you think. Also, I know it's lighter now, but brace yourselves because dark times are still ahead. Thanks again! _


	6. Chapter 6

_You guys were correct! The movie/book is_ A Walk to Remember_, which is the ONLY Nicolas Sparks story that I like and also love. And the nickname Letty is significant because of Michelle Dockery's character on the show _Good Behavior_ (which if you haven't watched, I highly recommend.) Thank you so much! Enjoy! _

**Wasted Years, Wasted Gain **

_Five Years Ago _

His eyes scanned the bedroom. Amongst the covers were dark splashes of blood. There were signs of a struggle. His breath hitched deep within his throat.

"Vera?" He called. He tried to see if he could find any signs of his wife. She had called him in a panic and told him to come home. The two hadn't spoken in nearly two weeks, but she said it was important.

_Knock. Knock. _

"Open up! Police!"

John's heart skipped a beat. He rushed to the front door and let the police inside of their house. The two men walked in, both appearing concerned.

"Are you Mr. Bates?"

"Yes. My wife…." His words were cut off by the taller of the two men.

"Where is your wife, Mr. Bates? She called us and said you were threatening her." John's head shook.

"I…I just got here. There seems to have been a struggle in the bedroom, but she's not here," he explained to them. "She called me earlier and told me to come over. You can see my phone," John offered. The officers both shook their heads and walked toward the bedroom.

Fear for his nearly ex-wife was starting to fade and fear for himself was starting to bloom. He knew Vera hated him, but surely…..he shook his head. No, she wasn't that vile of a human. She couldn't be, could she?

"Where is your wife?" The other officer asked him again.

"I…I don't know. I told you. I just got here. She called me in a panic, said I needed to come over. I….."

"Alright, Mr. Bates, we'll need to see your phone and for you to work with us. All we want to do is find your wife. Will you follow us to the station? You are not under arrest. We just need to speak with you."

John uneasily sighed.

"Okay."

_Now _

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

John awoke with a start and rubbed his hand over his face. He had been dreaming of the day Vera went missing again. Lately, the nightmares of five years ago had begun to plague his dreams again. He knew it came from his sober anniversary. The date of his arrest was his first day sober.

A loud yawn escaped his lips and he shook the thoughts away. It was a lifetime away. He was no longer that person. He was no longer angry, depressed, an alcoholic. No, he finally decided he wouldn't allow her to destroy him anymore. His best vengeance was to live a happy life.

His mind immediately turned to Anna. Just the evening before, he had sat in the small coffee house and had spoken to her for an hour. Unlike their first real meeting, she was much kinder and didn't push him away. They had only spoken about books they liked and nothing deeper. It seemed like a safe way to start with her. Despite any smiles on her face, he could see the unhappiness in her features. There was a darkness in her eyes that light could no longer touch. And none of her smiles were bright. All were forced.

He enjoyed his time with her, though. She was smart and kind. It was nice to have someone to talk to about books. They both loved to read. He was sure the two could have spoken longer had Mary not called Anna and interrupted their time together. John almost wondered if Mary had been tracking Anna and realized she was with the person she told to stay away from her. While that was highly unlikely, John wouldn't be _that_ surprised with Mary Crawley.

The good news was before Anna left she suggested they meet next week at the same time at the book store to look at new books and then go to the coffee shop again. It made John thrilled that she wanted to spend time with him. He was sure Anna wasn't ready for a relationship right now, but John did want to be her friend.

He knew about the attack. Not all of the details, but enough. It had been her birthday. She had been in the gardens. She nearly died.

John had been watching the news when he found out. Her name hadn't been given, but facts about the brutal rape had been shared. Anything happening at Downton Abbey was going to get coverage. The moment he saw it flash across the screen he had called Robert to see if his wife and girls were okay.

_"Robert? What is this I hear about an attack at Downton Abbey?"_

_ "Yes, it's awful, Bates, just awful."_

_ "Are Cora and the girls okay?"_

_ "Yes. It…It was Mary's friend, Anna. It was at the birthday party Mary was throwing for her, of all days."_

_ "How horrible. Have they found the man who did it?"_

_ "No, the bastard has run off. They think they know who did it, though. They are searching for him. How..how did you find out about it?" _

_ "The news."_

_ "Bollocks! Mary has been frantic trying to keep it out of the news for Anna's sake. Oh, John, I need to go. Mary is calling me right now. Thank you for checking in. I'll call you tomorrow about the reports for the new account. Bye."_

Sighing, John got up and out of his bed. He knew he couldn't fix things for Anna, but he did hope their weekly book store meetings would help make her life a little brighter.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna opened the small paint can and used the small wooden mixer to blend the paint. She had decided to make an accent wall in her bedroom. It was a soft blue. She thought if she placed it on the wall behind her bed it would make the room more peaceful.

If she was going to start moving forward, she needed new hobbies and happy things to focus on. The new weekly meeting with John at the bookstore was a good start. He was a nice guy who seemed to like books just as much as she did.

But she knew that wouldn't fix everything. There was still this deep fear and a loss of control that still plagued her.

Her eyes lingered over to the cabinet where she kept her liquor. Her lips twitched. But she quickly shook her head. She didn't even like the taste of alcohol. It was why she had never drunk it before the attack. It never appealed to her. Her dislike for the substance was never for virtuous or moral reasons like some people thought, but just because she didn't like it. At least not then. Now she understood why someone would. It had a way to numb the feelings and thoughts that wouldn't leave her alone.

_Ring. Ring. _

Anna glanced down at her phone that was sitting on her bed and laughed. It was Mary, again. Ever since she picked her up from the apartments the other night, Mary called her multiple times a day to check on her. Anna didn't blame her, not really. If the tables had been turned and Mary had been about to cross that line, Anna would have been just as worried for her friend.

"Hello?"

"Anna? What are you doing?" Mary never was one for formalities.

"I'm about to paint an accent wall in my bedroom. You?"

"An accent wall? Are you allowed to do that in a place you rent?" Mary questioned.

"Not sure, but I'll paint it back before I move. It'll be fine."

"Very well, then, I guess. And you're doing alright today?"

"I am, Mary. I won't break." The silence on the other end of the line was enough of Mary's disagreement with that statement. Obviously Anna had broken already and the reason Mary was calling was because she feared she would break further. "I….How's the Murphy account going?" Anna questioned to fill the space in the air.

"Fine. You're missed though, of course. We need your expertise on linens," Mary explained. "Could I send you some of the ideas we're looking into? I understand if you don't need the stress of work right now. So if that's too much…."

"No, please send me something. I need something to keep me occupied."

"Alright, I'll have Daisy send it through your email. Take your time, just not too much. We have to have it settled by this weekend."

"I'll look it over this afternoon. Have a good day."

"You too. Goodbye."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Did you pick your book?" John asked her, as Anna walked into the coffee shop. He had already ordered her a hot chocolate and had it waiting at the table.

"I did. I actually have a several copies of this book already, but I like to buy the different ones I find. I got _The Wizard of Oz._"

"I'm guessing it's one of your favorites?" John guessed.

"It is. It's one instance where I like the movie better than the book, but I still love my book collection of it. I have some of the others in the series, as well."

"And will you read it this week?"

"Absolutely. That's the rule. Whatever book I buy must be read before getting my next book," Anna said with a small smile. John glanced down at her bag and his eyes narrowed.

"It looks like there are two books in there," he lightly teased. Anna's face fell slightly and she shifted uneasily on her chair. Noticing her discomfort, John instantly felt bad about bringing it up. "Sorry, I didn't mean….."

"No," Anna quickly replied, forcing a smile. "It's just…." She sighed and pulled both books out of the bag, bringing the one she didn't mention originally to the top. John read the title and he felt like the biggest jerk for pointing out there was more than one book. _Trauma Survivors' Strategies for Healing: A Workbook to Help You Grow, Rebuild, and Take Back Your Life. _

"It's ridiculous, really," Anna said. She pierced her lips together and shook her head. "I saw it and thought….." She sighed. "I don't know what I thought. I should take it back."

"It's not ridiculous," John strongly stated. "You should keep it."

"I don't know why you are spending your free time with me. I'm a disaster," Anna muttered, placing both of the books back into the bag.

"I highly doubt that," John disagreed. "We all have things in the past that have shaped who we are and not all of them good things." Anna slowly glanced up at John and bit down on her lower lip.

"What's in your past? Your alcoholism?"

"Yes," John replied with a nod. "But that's not all. I was married to a volatile woman. She and I…..well, we brought out the worst in one another."

"I remember Mary saying something about your wife and not liking her," Anna said.

"I wasn't that great either. We were married for a long time, right out of high school. There must have been love there in the beginning, but I don't remember it. I started drinking pretty soon after our first anniversary. After fifteen years of marriage, we finally decided to separate."

"Do you have any children?" Anna placed her elbow on the table and rested her chin against her hand. It was nice to hear about someone else's troubles and not her own. John's head sharply shook.

"No, thankfully. A child born into that would have been a poor soul. She never wanted children and I never challenged her on it."

"But did you want children?"

"I did," John said with a shake of his head. "But it was for the best that we didn't."

"If you both hated each other, then why stay together for fifteen years?"

"There were good moments. Sometimes we'd have days where we didn't fight and we'd actually laugh together and not at one another. I'm not proud of the man I was during that marriage," John honestly told her.

"So when did you decide to be sober?"

"I didn't. Not really." Anna furrowed her brows and twisted her lips.

"Then how did you get started?"

"I was arrested for killing my wife. I got sober in prison."

**_To be continued... _**

_No trivia questions this time. Fun fact: Every title comes from the song Shattered by Trading Yesterday. It is the song I listen to that helps inspire this story. Special shout out to lemacd for helping me come up with ideas for future plot points of this story. Thank you all for reading. If you have the time, please drop a note to let me know what you think. :)_


	7. Chapter 7

_Sorry it's been over a week since I updated this story. I started a new one and updated one of my others. Also, my children have decided they don't like sleep anymore. So I haven't gotten to write as much as I would like. Thank you to all the reviewers! And thank you to the guest reviewer who pointed out my word mistake! I appreciate that. I hope you continue to enjoy this story and I hope not to leave as much time between chapters again. _

**And I Can't Understand **

"A…arrested for killing your wife?" Anna questioned, her body tensing slightly. John watched as Anna's ease around him quickly changed to discomfort. John sighed. The last thing he wanted was to make her feel unsafe.

"Yes," he honestly answered. "I didn't kill her," he quickly added. Anna's eyes twitched and he saw her legs bouncing nervously. "She's not dead." At those words, Anna's lips narrowed into a thin line, before they curled up and she laughed.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! I remember this story now!" Anna chuckled. She covered her lips with her hands and shook her head, before placing one of her hands on John's upper arm. "I'm sorry. It's not funny, at all. I just….I had forgotten and I got frightened for a moment, but then when I remembered…."

"No," John said, giving her a small smile. "It's fine."

"But it's not! You went to prison because she set you up. It's a horrible thing that happened to you," Anna sincerely stated.

"It was," John agreed. "Vera's an evil person."

"And she just gets away with it? Faking her death? Sending you to prison? Mary told me she's living somewhere tropical and not in prison. That must make you so very angry."

"It did," John replied. "When I was convicted, I had a lot of anger within me. Once Robert had one of his private investigators find her to prove she was alive, he asked if he should have him bring her back here kicking and screaming, but I said no."

"No? But why? She nearly ruined your life," Anna asked. John lifted his coffee cup and took a long sip, before taking in a deep breath.

"We ruined each other's lives for fifteen years. When I got out of prison, I realized I could continue my miserable life or choose to be happy. Sending her to prison wouldn't make me happy, it would just be me seeking vengeance. The best revenge is not allowing her to control me anymore. To be happy. Besides, she'll be living the rest of her life glancing over her shoulder. Being physically free doesn't mean she's mentally free."

"That's very mature of you," Anna quietly said. She began to pick on the edge of her thumb and bite down on her lower lip. "I….I don't know if I would be okay with my attacker free out there somewhere."

"That's different. That man is dangerous and deserves to be in prison. Vera is only volatile when it comes to me. He is in prison, correct?"

Anna kept her eyes on her thumb, but she nodded.

"Yes, he….he attacked another girl a month later and….and they found him soon after. She….she didn't make it. He….he killed her." Anna's breath hitched in her throat and she pressed her hand against her face to stop the stray tear from falling down her cheek. "He…he nearly killed me. Sometimes I wish he had," Anna quietly confessed.

"Anna…." John breathed, reaching out to grasp her hand into his. Anna pulled her hand away and shook her head.

"It's fine," she murmured. "I….I'm sorry," she glanced up at him and offered him a tentative smile. "We're supposed to be talking about your life and I've made it all about me."

"No, there's no need to…." John's words were cut off by Anna's phone ringing. She glanced down and placed her finger up to tell John it would just be a moment.

"Hello? Mary?" Anna asked, standing and walking over to the window. John chuckled to himself. Mary again. Now he was sure she was spying on them. A few moments later, Anna walked back to the table and sat back down. "Sorry about that. Mary has given me a few small tasks to work on and I had to give her my recommendations."

"You know, Mary doesn't want me talking to you," John lightly informed Anna.

"I know," Anna replied. "She told me. But she doesn't mean anything by it. She's highly protective of me. I think she blames herself for what happened. She's always liked you, but you were an alcoholic and well, I am….a fuck up," Anna quietly said.

"You are not," John strongly stated. "You…."

"I should go." Anna began to stand up. John desperately tried to come up with a reason to get her to stay, but all of his words seemed to remain stuck in his throat. "I'll see you next week?"

"Yes," John agreed, relieved she still wanted to meet with him. "Next week."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Check this out._

John chuckled at the text he had received from Anna. It was a silly meme about books. After their awkward meeting weeks ago, thankfully they had gotten past it and fallen into a pretty good rhythm. They still only met once a week, but now they had begun to text. It was generally memes or gifs. Nothing too deep. Ever since Anna admitted she sometimes wished she was dead, she hadn't gone below surface level again. John did know that Mary had insisted she go and talk with someone, so John was glad she was getting some help. He liked Anna and wanted her to be happy.

"Bates." The sound of Mary's voice made John glance up from his phone. With her hand on her hip, Mary glanced at his phone to the smirk on his lips. "I'm guessing that's from Anna."

John placed his phone into his side drawer and sighed, running his hand through his hair.

"Yes, Mary," he said, standing up from his chair. "Is there something I can do to help you?"

Mary stepped into his office and twisted her lips.

"I….I might have been wrong," she slowly stated. John's eyes narrowed. He wasn't sure he had ever heard Mary admit to not being right.

"Go on."

"You've been good for Anna," she added. "Perhaps you understand what she's going through. She obviously trusts you."

"We just meet and talk about books," John simply stated.

"Well whatever you're doing has been working. She's back at work and seems to be doing well. Not perfect, but better than before."

"I'm sure you have helped too," John replied. He knew Mary had needed to play bad cop with Anna to help her determine if she wanted to continue down her path of self-destruction or not.

"Just…." Mary paused. "Do be careful. She's still quite fragile. You're a recovering alcoholic. I worry…."

"I understand," John quickly replied. "You're a good friend. And what happened to her wasn't your fault. You do know that, right?" John carefully asked. Mary's eyes glassed over with tears and she tensed.

"I know," came her weak reply. "Anna is my best friend, Bates," Mary stated. "I….I can't lose her." Mary wiped the stray tear off her cheek and straightened her shoulders, ignoring the sympathetic look on John's face. "Alright, well, that's all I had to say. Thank you, Bates."

"Thank you, Mary."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna found her notes and glanced over what the new clients wanted in terms of color schemes. Her lower lip came between her teeth and she tried to work out the best pattern for them. From her talks with Mary, she learned they were particular.

Birds chirped above her and she glanced up. Working outside had always been her favorite way to remain focused. It kept her mind moving and she didn't have to listen to the hustle and bustle of the office.

"NO! STOP IT! STOP!" Anna jumped and tensed at the sound of a girl's screams. She turned her head and saw two teens across the street. The boy's hands were grasping at the back of her shirt and the girl was trying to get away. Anna's face blanched and she stood, swallowing hard. Her eyes glanced around at all the people walking by and she wondered why no one was trying to help.

Her feet shuffled forward, while her heart pounded in her chest.

"RONALD! STOP!"

Anna's steps quickened. She heard the girl scream. When she reached the two teens, she grabbed the labels of the boy's shirt and pulled him back and away.

"What the hell!?" The boy angrily yelled. "What's your problem, lady?"

Anna ignored him and glanced at the girl, who was looking at Anna like she was a crazy person.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," the girl quickly replied, narrowing her eyes. "Ronald is my boyfriend. He was just pouring ice down my back. You need to get a grip."

The girl grabbed her boyfriend's hand and began to walk down the street. Anna's heart was still pounding in her chest and she froze. No, she thought, those screams hadn't been innocent. Had they? She covered her face with her hands and closed her eyes. Suddenly, without warning, her mind was filled with her own screams.

_No! No! Please! No!_

Anna's eyes jerked open. She rushed back to her paperwork, grabbing it, and walking back into their building.

With shaky hands, she placed them on Mary's desk and turned to leave Mary's office. However, Mary was walking in at the same time. She quickly noted Anna's ashen cheeks and trembling hands.

"Anna? What's happened?"

"I…I'm not feeling well. I…I think I need to go home," Anna shakily replied.

"Should I call Dr. Clarkson? Make you an appointment?"

Anna's head shook.

"I…..I just want to go home," Anna cried. Mary slowly nodded.

"Alright."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna paced back and forth in her flat. The screams wouldn't disappear. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see his face.

_I've heard you're quite virtuous._

Anna pressed her palms tightly against her ears, as though it would help the voices to go away.

_I have a gift for you._

She could feel his rough hands on her hips; the way they dug into her skin and left bruises that lasted for weeks.

_I've never had a virgin before. _

Her eyes popped open and she rushed to the kitchen, bending down to open the door under the sink. Grabbing the first bottle, she quickly unscrewed the top and began to drink, ignoring the burning against her throat.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John closed his book and sighed. He had just finished the third book in his series. There were still a few days until he met Anna at the bookstore and he wasn't sure he could wait until then to get the next book.

He decided he would just run down the street to the book store and grab the one book. It was getting late so he needed to be quick to get there before they were closed for the evening.

Once he arrived at the book store, he found what he was looking for and checked out. As he was checking out, his eyes were drawn to a familiar figure standing across the street. Looking through the window, he saw Anna leaning against another man, barely standing.

John rushed outside.

"Anna?" He questioned. Anna's eyes were glazed over and she looked up at John and smiled.

"John! This is my friend, John!" She told the man she was leaning on. "John…this is…."

"Matt," the man replied, annoyed he was being interrupted. "Nice to meet you," he curtly added. "Come on, Anna, let's go."

John stepped forward and shook his head. "Anna, I'm not sure you want to do this," he carefully stated.

"Look man, she's an adult and can do whatever she wants."

"Yeah, I'm an adult," Anna hiccupped, tripping over her feet.

"She's barely standing," John said to Matt. "Let me take her home."

"I don't even know you," Matt scoffed.

John felt helpless, but he knew deep down that this was not what Anna wanted. In one last ditch effort, he took one of Anna's hands and forced her to meet his eyes with her own.

"Anna, come on with me. You don't want to do this."

Tears instantly filled Anna's eyes and she shook her head.

"You broke her," Matt seethed, letting go of Anna and nearly making her fall to the ground. "Have fun with that."

Jon steadied Anna by placing his hands on her shoulders. Once she was stabilized, he reached his hand up to brush her stray hair off her cheek. She smelled like strong liquor and it made his stomach turn.

"Let me take you home," he calmly offered. Anna sniffled and her head lightly shook.

"I….I told you I was a fuck up," she cried. John's jaw tensed.

"You're not a fuck up, Anna. You're hurting," he answered. "Come on. Let's go home."

_**To be continued...**_

_Thanks for reading. If you have a chance, leave me a note to let me know what you think! Thanks in advance! _


	8. Chapter 8

**_Thank you! Enjoy! I meant to add in my last chapter a special thanks to lemcad for helping me come up with the idea in that chapter and other ideas for this story. I hope you all continue to enjoy! _**

**My Heart is So Broken **

"_Have you ever had something happen to you, and you… you know you sort of think of the world as being one way. And then, something happens and you… wake up different, and suddenly, you don't know what's important anymore. You wonder why you're bothering to get up in the morning, get dressed, and do the same old thing day in, day out."- Laura Nielson, _Liar

_9 Months Ago _

Bright lights in the room accosted her eyes as Anna slowly fluttered open her eyes. She tried to bring her hand up to cover her eyes, but she found it hard to move. A loud groan escaped her lips and pain shot through her entire frame. Fingers laced in with hers and she felt a gentle hand against her shoulder. As her eyes regained focus, Anna saw it was Mary who was standing next to her with a worried smile.

"Shh,"Mary murmured. "Don't try to move too much. I've rung for the doctor."

"What…." Anna's voice was tight.

"Don't try to speak either. You had a ventilator. They said it would make your throat raw," Mary explained.

Anna was able to slowly bring her non-dominant hand up to brush her fingers against her throat. Everything was such a blur. She blinked her eyes a few times and tried to recall the last thing she could remember. It was her birthday. They had been at Downton. She had gone outside for some fresh air. That was when it hit her. Her eyes widened and panic began to fill her entire frame. Suddenly, she couldn't breathe.

"Anna, calm down," Mary tried, concern filling her voice. "Anna…it's alright. You're safe. You're here with me. He can't hurt you anymore." Despite Mary's attempt to soothe Anna, Anna only began to panic more.

Anna could hear the sound of the door opening and Mary speaking frantically with the doctor. Before she knew it, she watched as a nurse used a syringe to put something into her IV and her world faded back to black.

_Now _

Moaning, Anna rolled over to her back. She slowly opened her eyes and groaned when the light from the sun hit her eyes. Sitting up, her hand quickly came up to her pounding head. She couldn't even remember what all she had drunk the night before. All she knew was that she was in her own bedroom, so thankfully, she hadn't slept with another random man the previous night.

It took more effort than she expected, but she finally was able to pull herself up and off the bed. She stumbled into the bathroom and quickly fell to her knees in front of the toilet. Once the contents of her stomach had been emptied, she rested back against the wall and pressed her forehead into her knees.

Two months. She had made it nearly two months without a drink. But then…..the screams of that girl the day prior had brought it all back to her. While the memories hadn't faded, they had weakened. Her time with John had seemed to help her find focus back to the world. It had brought her back to herself, somewhat. But now, she felt just as lost as she had the day she woke up after her attack.

She sighed heavily into her knees. Mary was going to be so disappointed in her. How was she going to tell her?

Anna's head popped up from her knees when she heard a clanking sound in the kitchen. Cautiously, she brought herself up off the floor and made her way toward the noise. Her nerves calmed when she saw John in her kitchen making breakfast. Glancing over at the couch, she saw blankets. He must have stayed the night. Then her eyes caught a line of empty liquor bottles along the island.

"That's expensive liquor," Anna said, making John slightly jump and turn to face her. He shrugged his shoulders and placed the eggs he had made onto a plate next to some sausage.

"I'll pay you back," he simply replied. "Eat up. Protein is good for a hangover."

"Why…why did you pour out my alcohol?"

"You know why," was all John said in response. "Now eat."

Anna grabbed the fork and slowly began to eat the food John had prepared for her. She quickly noticed how standoffish he was being to her. He was disappointed in her, too.

"I called Mary. She and I discussed it and we thought it might be best if you took the day off and went to see your therapist. She already set you up an appointment. It's at noon."

"You told on me?" Anna incredulously asked.

"I won't be an enabler," John simply replied. "And you're not a child. So no, I didn't tell on you. I called your friend to give her a heads up on why you wouldn't be at work today. Mary cares about you and she wants what's best for you."

Anna puffed up her shoulders, nearly ready for a fight, but before she could say anything a sob randomly broke through her lips. Soon her shoulders were shaking and she couldn't get herself to stop crying.

"Hey," John gently stated, coming over to Anna's side. He gingerly wrapped his arms around her frame and Anna allowed him to pull her into his chest. She bitterly sobbed against him.

John helped Anna up and out of the chair, before leading her over to the couch. He sat her down and then sat next to her. She was finally able to calm herself down and shook her head.

"I….I'm sorry," she murmured. "I…..I thought I was doing better, but then it was like….he was there again. He stole everything from me. All my hopes. All my dreams. I just…I feel dirty and spoiled….and I don't know how to be myself anymore."

"You are _not_ dirty or spoiled," John strongly stated. Anna's shaky hand came up over her mouth and her trembling fingers rested against her cheek.

"I…I used to have dreams, you know? I used to want things. But now, I just….I don't want to feel anymore."

"What were your dreams?"

Anna dropped her hand to her side and began to chew on her lower lip.

"Build an empire with Mary. Find a man to love. I….I had never slept with anyone before _it_ happened. I had never found the man who I wanted to share that with. Pathetic, I know. Thirty-five and I hadn't been with anyone….."

"That's not pathetic," John replied. "It's not pathetic at all."

"And now…." Anna continued. She took in a deep breath and met John's eyes. "Now I sleep with random men to try to convince myself that it's just sex and what he did to me doesn't matter. I tell myself that I am getting my control back of my life, but I just feel dirtier and dirtier each time. I hate myself."

"Anna…."

"Dr. Baxter…that's, she's my therapist, she said that a lot of women who have been raped become promiscuous to try to control what happened…..but I…..I'll never have what I wanted. And I don't even know what I want anymore."

"You can," John disagreed with her. "You can still meet a man who checks all the boxes, who deserves you and…."

"I can't," Anna cried. "I'm spoiled and dirty. I'm a drunk that doesn't deserve love."

John's hands came up to Anna's cheeks and he held them lovingly, meeting her eyes with his own.

"You are not spoiled. You are not dirty. One day you'll find the man who deserves you. He'll be so incredibly lucky to find you, Anna," John promised her. John could feel Anna's lower lip tremble against his palms. Her eyes closed and she gently pushed his hands away from her face, before collapsing against his chest and beginning to sob.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"How did your appointment with Dr. Baxter go?" Mary questioned Anna, as she slid into the booth across Anna. Mary had asked Anna to meet her for lunch after her appointment and Anna was anxious to see why. She worried Mary was going to tell her that she was no longer a good fit at their company. And if she did, Anna couldn't even blame her. She was a calamity.

Anna picked at the edge of her thumb and shrugged her shoulders.

"It went okay," she quietly replied.

"Anna, I've been thinking…." Mary allowed her words to fade. Anna glanced up and met her eyes. Mary squared her shoulders and sat up. "Ever since John called me this morning, I have been thinking about what might be best for you."

"You're going to ask me to leave the company, aren't you?" Anna asked, trying hard to control her lower lip. She wasn't going to cry; she wasn't going to emotionally manipulate her friend who had done everything in her power to help her.

"Absolutely not, Anna," Mary quickly stated. "So you had a setback. You've made so much progress. You're going to continue to work on getting better, correct?"

"I am," Anna agreed. Mary's lips curled up into a small smile.

"I…..What if you went somewhere for a little while?" Mary carefully asked. Anna shifted uneasily in her seat.

"Went somewhere? What do you mean?"

"There are centers, Anna that can help you with the trauma you experienced and help with your substance abuse because of this trauma."

"So, rehab?"

"Yes," Mary pointedly answered.

"Mary, I don't….."

"Had Bates not found you last night, Anna, where would you be right now?" Mary asked.

"I won't fail again," Anna promised.

"And if you do?"

"I'll then go wherever you want to send me without a fight."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Nighttime was the hardest. Without the distractions of the day, Anna found herself wanting to go out and get a drink. She had already finished her book for the week and her latest project for her flat was already done.

It was nearing midnight and the voices wouldn't leave her.

Anna reached for her phone and debated on whether or not she should call him. She couldn't call Mary. While Mary would come over in a heartbeat, it wasn't fair to do that to her when she had a small child and was pregnant. She hit his name before allowing herself to chicken out.

_Ring. Ring._

"Hello?" John's sleepy voice came through the other end.

"I woke you," Anna quickly stated. "I'm sorry. I…I'll let you go."

"No," John instantly replied. "It's fine. What's wrong?"

"I….I can't sleep. The voices…"

"They're haunting," John understood.

"Yes." Anna sighed. "I want a drink."

"Because it helps you to forget, for a while," John simply said. Anna nodded, biting down on her lower lip. Then she realized John couldn't see her and she needed to speak.

"Yes."

"Why don't we just talk until you don't feel that need anymore," John suggested.

"That could be until the sun comes up," Anna answered.

"I don't mind. Now, tell me about the book you read this week."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna awoke with the phone pressed against her face. She wasn't sure when she had fallen asleep and if she had left John alone on the other end. Pulling the phone off her skin, she sighed.

Her phone was nearly dead, so she plugged it into the charger. Then she typed a text to John.

_Sorry, I fell asleep on you last night. Thank you for keeping me company and helping me._

_ Glad to help._ He quickly replied. _Please call me any time. I'll always answer. _

A smile grew on Anna's lips and she felt a weird feeling course through her veins. It was a feeling of peace, happiness. Something she hadn't felt in a long time and it was because of John. Anna chewed on the inside of her lip and shook her head.

_Thank you,_ Anna responded. _Truly. _

_Same time, same place?_

Anna chuckled. Today was their day to meet at the bookstore. And she was quite looking forward to it.

_Absolutely. See you then._

**_To be continued..._**

**_Lighter times, for now. haha. Thank you for reading! If you get the chance, let me know what you think. Thank you! _**


	9. Chapter 9

_**Thank you guys so much! Trigger warning for flashbacks in this chapter. **_

**All is Lost**

_Two and a Half Months Later _

The entire day, Anna had been on edge. She tried to avoid the uneasy feeling that seemed to continue to fill her frame. It was officially her birthday month. In two and a half weeks, she would be 36.

She brought her thumb up to her mouth and began to chew anxiously on the side of her thumb. A loud sigh left her lips. How could a month do this to her? Today wasn't even her birthday. She was fine. She had been doing better. She was being ridiculous. But even as she told herself these things, a knot grew in the pit of her stomach and a feeling of dread filled her entire body.

Over the past two and a half months, she had nearly fallen back to her old habits, but both John and Mary had helped her over those hurtles. She could call them and one would either come to her or talk to her until the feelings passed. And those moments had started to become farther apart to where she had thought perhaps they would soon disappear. But today, the moment she opened her eyes, all she had felt was dread and the need for a drink.

"Ugh! That idiot!" Mary's voice brought Anna out of her thoughts. Anna glanced up at her doorway to see Mary seething.

"What's the matter?" Anna questioned her now very pregnant friend.

"Daisy," Mary said with a frustrated sigh. "She forgot the paperwork she was supposed to take. Now I have to go and take it."

"I can take it," Anna offered. "Don't you have a doctor's appointment?"

Mary quickly shook her head. "No, you don't need to do that. I can just call Daisy to come and get it."

"Mary, I can take it. I don't have any plans this evening." Anna eyed Mary carefully. She could tell she was uncomfortable with giving Anna the paperwork. "Mary, why don't you want me to take it?"

Mary cocked her head slightly to the side and gave Anna a sympathetic glance. "It goes to Downton," Mary explained.

"Oh," Anna quietly replied. Some of the parties they held were at Downton. Since Anna's attack, Mary had worked on all of those accounts. "I can take them," Anna straightened her shoulders. "I can't avoid Downton forever, Mary. You'll be on maternity leave soon and I have to go where the work is."

"Anna…..I don't know…."

"It'll be fine." Anna forced a smile on her lips and took the paperwork from Mary's hands.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

But she wasn't fine. The moment her car pulled up in front of the big estate, her heart nearly beat out of her chest. Her fingers held on tightly to the steering wheel, making her knuckles turn white.

"It's fine," Anna murmured to herself. "You're safe. It's just a place."

It took several moments, but finally, Anna had gotten herself out of the car.

When she reached the front door, Mr. Carson answered it and lit up upon seeing Anna on the other side. Mr. Carson and his wife, Elsie, were the head of the staff at Downton. They kept the entire place running like a well-oiled machine.

"Anna! How good to see you! It has been a while since…." Mr. Carson's bright voice faded as he realized why it had been a while since he had seen Anna at Downton. Anna shuffled uneasily on her feet, but she gave him a weak smile.

"It's good to see you too, Mr. Carson. Have you seen Daisy?"

"She's just right out back talking to the couple who are renting out the place next week."

"Very well. Thank you."

Anna skirted past Mr. Carson and was grateful that he didn't try anymore small talk. She was sure he felt just as awkward as she did. And if Anna had any say, she would get this paperwork to Daisy quickly and then leave. The less she was here at this estate, the better.

Stepping out the back door, she didn't see any signs of Daisy. The back was large and Anna sighed. She could be anywhere. Her feet rushed down the small pathway and glanced around for any sign of them. She about turned around to go back inside, when she heard voices in the garden. Anna's breath hitched in her throat.

With small steps, Anna headed toward the gardens. The place that used to be her sanctuary. Immediately, she was accosted by the smells of the flowers. Her eyes closed. The smell used to calm her, but now it brought back powerful memories.

_She couldn't move. He was there with her now. The smell of alcohol on his breath mingled in the air with the floral scent. His fingers were digging into her skin, pressing her down against the cold ground. She tried to scream again, but he pressed the knife against her throat threatening her. _

"Anna?"

A loud scream left Anna's lips and she jumped at the sound of her name. Jerking her eyes opened, she saw Daisy and the two clients standing next to her in shock. Anna pressed her hand against her heart and tried to regain her composure. But it was difficult, her entire body was harshly shaking.

"I, um, Daisy, you forgot these," Anna stammered, handing over the paperwork to Daisy.

"Anna, are you okay?" Anna nodded her head and took a few steps backwards.

"Y…yes. I just….I have to get going." Anna turned on her heels and rushed back to her car. When she got into the car, Anna broke down. Her entire body was shaking. The memories were vivid.

Anna pressed her hands against her face and tried to even her breathing. She tried to recall all of the coping techniques from her therapist, but she couldn't seem to remember even one of them.

_ His breath was hot against her skin. He held her down with his knees, holding her legs apart. She screamed when he entered her. The cold steel of the blade ran across her cheek and beside her side, before he came and dug it into her side. _

_ "It was good for me, was it for you?" He whispered into her ear, before lifting her head up and banging it against the hard cement, which, mercifully, made her black out. _

Hot tears ran down Anna's cheeks. It felt so vivid. So real.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John ran the brush through his hair and glanced at his reflection in the mirror. He chewed slightly on his lip and brought his hand up to fix a stray hair that wouldn't lay straight. He and Anna had been doing their weekly meetings at the bookstore and coffee shop for over four months now. And each week he got more and more excited about it.

_Ding. Ding. _

John glanced down at his phone and saw Anna's name across the screen. His lips curled up into a smile. He swiped it to the left and lifted the phone up to read her message. His heart fell.

_I'm sorry. I'm not feeling well. Next week? _

John furrowed his brows.

_Do you need to talk? Would you like me to come over? _He offered. The three dots appeared showing Anna was responded and then they disappeared. John tapped his foot against the tile and hoped for a response. Finally, the dots showed up again.

_No. I just have a cold. I'm going to go to sleep early. Thank you. I'll see you next week._

John sighed. Something seemed off. He clicked on her name and pressed the button to call her. It rang several times before she picked up.

"Hello?" Anna's voice seemed impatient on the other line.

"Are you alright? I can bring you some soup," John told her.

"No," Anna quickly responded. "I told you, I'm going to sleep. I just…I need sleep."

"Anna…..If you're having a bad day and are feeling….."

"I'm not, John. Just drop it," Anna angrily responded. "I…I'm sorry," Anna quickly amended. "I have a bad headache. I should probably go. Good-bye."

And just like that, the phone connection was ended.

John sat his phone down on the counter and then placed his hands down in front of him. A loud sigh passed through his lips. Something was wrong. The abruptness in her tone and her wording seemed off.

He prayed, however, that he was wrong and that Anna did just have a cold. He didn't want her falling into the darkness again.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna paid her Uber driver and stepped out of the small car. Her lower lip trembled, but she took several steps forward toward the pub. She knew this was wrong. Her fingers brushed against her back pocket where her phone was. She could call Mary or John right now and they would come and get her.

A man accidently bumped into her, passing by on the sidewalk.

_It was good for me, was it good for you? _

_ His hands were on her. His hot breath against her ear. Tears filled her eyes and she prayed for death. _

"I'm sorry," the man said to Anna. Anna just shook her head and moved her hand away from her phone. She walked into the pub and headed straight to the bar, not thinking about how deceptive she had already been. How she had come two towns over so she couldn't run into someone she knew or have John or Mary find her. She couldn't worry about what they would think right now.

"A shot of tequila," Anna said to the bartender. "Then a margarita on the rocks. Keep them coming," she handed him her card.

As she poured the shot down her throat, tears filled her eyes. Because she knew at this moment, there would be no turning back.

**_To be continued..._**

**_Anna has to hit rock bottom before she can truly heal. So the next several chapters will be rough. Thank you for reading! _**


	10. Chapter 10

**The End's Beginning **

She pressed her head against the tile in her shower and cried. The tears melted in with the water and she wasn't sure where hers began and the water began.

Anna stood herself up and grabbed the rag hanging on the hook and filled it with soap. She needed to scrub from top to bottom. If she went into work like this, Mary would know. She would see the shame on her skin, smell the smoke from the night before, and hear the vile words she said out loud.

A sob broke through her lips and she didn't know why she was doing this to herself or to her friends. They didn't deserve this.

Getting out of the shower, Anna wrapped the towel around her chest and refused to meet her own eyes in the mirror. She was ashamed of the woman she had become again in the past two weeks.

Her phone dinged, but she ignored it. Despite the fact that she didn't respond, John still texted and called every day. She was sure he knew. How couldn't he know? But how would she respond? What could she say? She had failed; had fallen back down the dangerous path. And the worst part was that she wasn't sure she wanted to escape it.

Every day her birthday came nearer and nearer. Every day _he_ haunted her.

Somehow she had been able to hide it all from Mary. She knew Mary's pregnancy contributed to that. Mary had been struggling these past few weeks. Sybil had put her on partial bed rest. Mary could still work, but she needed to take it easy. Keeping Mary down was nearly impossible. But with Mary's schedule being affected by the pregnancy, she missed when Anna showed up late and didn't seem to notice how much Anna called in sick.

Somehow, Anna hadn't gotten behind on work. It was because she didn't want to disappoint Mary. As soon as Mary realized that Anna had fallen again, all bets would be off. For as long as possible, Anna was going to keep up the charade for Mary.

She slipped her towel off her frame. Her eyes fell to the long, ugly scar to the left of her belly button.

_The sharp blade dug into her skin and he laughed. His laughter filled the air, covering her scream from the unexpected pain. She could recall his laughter, often. He had been pleased with himself, pleased with her. _

She felt sick. Anna fell against the wall and pressed the heel of her hand into her forehead. The nausea wouldn't pass.

_The laughter wouldn't go away. _

Anna stumbled into her kitchen to find the new bottle of vodka she bought the day before. She pulled down a cup, poured some ice into it, and then poured some vodka into the glass.

A few sips didn't help. The voices and laughter were still there.

With shaky hands, she quickly texted Mary.

_Sorry, but I am sick. I think I've caught a bug. I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully. I'll work from home. I'll get the Johnson account done by this evening. _

_ Of course, do feel better. If you can't get it finished this evening, it'll be fine. We don't need it until next week. _

Anna placed the phone back down and poured herself a second drink.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Knock. Knock. _

Mary glanced up to find John standing in her office doorway. She shifted her seat slightly, but didn't feel up to standing. Her hands fell on the top of her belly and she met John's eyes.

"Good morning, Bates. How can I help you?" She watched John carefully, as he twisted his lips and then took the seat across from Mary's desk.

"I…I think Anna is drinking again. Going to bars and going home with random men," John quickly told Mary.

"What?" Mary asked incredulously. "Why…why do you say that? She's been doing so much better."

"She's been avoiding me. She has canceled our last two meetings at the bookstore and coffee shop," John explained.

"That doesn't mean….."

"I see she's not at work today," John pointed out.

"No," Mary replied. "She's sick."

"She told me she was sick a week ago," John added. Mary sighed.

"Her…her birthday is coming up. She's probably just needs some time to herself. That doesn't mean that she's drinking again and hooking up with random men. She's been doing her work and when she's here, she's fine." John could hear the fear in Mary's words. Her lower lip slightly trembled. "She….she has to be fine."

"Look, I hope I'm wrong. I really do. But we have to realize the true possibility that she has fallen again and that her birthday was likely the catalyst to her falling," John stated. "I fear if we don't react quickly enough that this time will be the end. She's mentioned to me before about wishing he had killed her when it happened and I know you saw the scar on her wrist. We have to do something."

Mary inhaled sharply. "What are you implying we do? We're supposed to go to dinner tomorrow evening for her birthday. Should I cancel that?"

"No. She'll come to that. May I tag along? Perhaps then we can see how she's truly doing and do a sort of intervention."

"At her dinner?"

"Yes," John stated. "I have been in her shoes. The sooner we intervene, the better. But you need to prepare for the worst."

"The worst? What….what do you mean the worst?"

"She may not want help. She may decide not to listen to us. And if that's the case, you have to decide where you stand," John explained. Mary's eyes narrowed in confusion.

"Where I stand?"

"If she has fallen back to her self-destructive path, I think you should hold firm on the ultimatum you gave her earlier," John simply stated. Mary's lips parted.

"Make her leave the company? But then….what would she have left to live for?"

"You can say if she won't get help, real help, then she's done. You, we….we can't enable her. We might have to accept that she'll choose to continue down the path of self-destruction and that we have to let her go."

"Let her go?" Mary frantically asked. "No, we will not, or at least, I will not."

John let out a sigh and tightened his jaw.

"Don't you love her?" Mary pointedly questioned. Her words made John pause. It was a feeling he had been pushing down, far beneath the surface. He had only known her for five months, but during that time he had grown to love her. His weekly meetings with her made his life feel whole. But she wasn't his.

"I'm not sure what you're suggesting, Mary….."

"It's just, I love her, and I….I don't know if I can 'just let her go', as you say," Mary said, flicking her wrist in the air for a dramatic effect.

"It's not….." John paused. Conflicting emotions rushed through his frame. "I don't want to let her go, Mary. But you can't help someone who doesn't want help. She has to want it on her own. You can be there for her when she's ready, but if you keep allowing the behavior, it'll only get worse. You have to be prepared that you might lose her."

Mary's breath hitched in her throat and she jutted out her jaw. "I won't," she said determinedly.

"I hope you're right."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Mary?" Matthew worriedly asked, as he rushed into the bathroom. He found her sitting in front of her vanity crying. His hand rested on her shoulder and she glanced up at him. "Is it the baby? Should we call your sister?" Mary's head shook.

"No, Letty is fine," Mary promised Matthew. Matthew rested his hand over her belly to receive a kick from the little girl inside of his wife's stomach. "It…it's Anna," Mary cried.

"I thought she was doing better." Mary's head shook. She lifted a tissue and brought it to wipe her eyes.

"I did too, but Bates….well, today he told me he thinks she has fallen again. And, I think he's right. I thought her behavior was odd, but I assumed it was just her birthday coming up. I….I'm going to lose her Matthew," Mary sobbed.

Matthew sighed and bent down to his wife's level.

"You're not going to lose Anna, Mary. We'll get her whatever help she needs. Have you called that one place you wanted to send her to see if they have space?"

"Yes," Mary replied. "But she has to want to go. We can't force her."

"Then we'll just convince her that it's the best option for her."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna shuffled around the bedroom looking for her clothes. She heard the man on the bed shift and she looked over, grateful to find he was still asleep. Her buzz was fading and she thankfully found a small bottle of liquor sitting on the guy's counter to help fix that.

As she slipped on her pants, the guy's arm came around her waist and he pulled her back into the bed, despite her protests.

"You never told me how you got this scar," the man said, running his finger across her abdomen. Anna hit his hand off her and sat back up. "Hey, you promised you'd tell me."

"Someone tried to kill me," she quickly answered, standing up and off the bed. She grabbed her shirt and threw it over her head.

"Oh wow, that's harsh."

"Yeah, that's exactly what the cops said," Anna sarcastically replied, stepping into her shoes.

"Don't you want to go and get some breakfast?" The man asked.

"No, it's my birthday. I want to go home, drink, and sleep the day away," Anna quipped.

"Oh, happy birthday!" The guy enthusiastically stated. "How old are you today?"

"Isn't that rude to ask?" Anna retorted, but then she sighed. "36."

"You're 36? No way! You're nearly ten years older than me. I never would have guessed that," the guy stated with a chuckle.

"Thanks, I guess," Anna muttered.

"I could take you out this evening. I might even be able to score us some molly."

Anna met his eyes and narrowed her own.

"As kind as that is," Anna began, "I have a dinner I have to go to. Maybe next time."

Anna headed toward the door.

"But I didn't get your number," the guy called out, but she had already left the flat.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna's alarm went off and she loudly groaned. She rolled onto her belly and hit the phone with her hand, getting it to quiet. The jarring sound ruined her dreamless sleep. The last thing she wanted to do was go tonight, but she couldn't come up with a good enough excuse to miss it. She had skipped out on work enough and Mary would catch on soon.

Moaning, she sat up. She grabbed the watered down vodka sitting on her bedside table and took a few sips, before standing up and beginning to get presentable. Mary had insisted that they had to do something for her birthday. Nothing major, but something. In some ways, Anna was grateful that her friend wanted her to have better memories of today's date, but in others, she wanted to just pretend today didn't exist.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"This is going to end badly," Mary anxiously stated, organizing her napkin on her lap for the fifth time within a minute.

"It'll be fine," Sybil said to her sister. She placed her hand over her sister's to calm her. Mary had made the night an intimate meal so that Anna wouldn't feel overwhelmed. It was just Sybil, Tom, her, Matthew, and John. They all had been informed of the plan. If there was any indication that Anna had fallen back to her self-destructive ways, they would firmly, but lovingly suggest she get help.

Anna waltzed in just a mere moment later. Her hair was pinned up and away from her face. Her lips pursed into a thin line. She didn't look anxious, though. There was an ease about her and within a second, Mary knew why. Anna walked up to the table and smiled.

"Hello," Anna slurred. Mary's heart sunk. She was drunk.

"Happy birthday, Anna," Sybil kindly told her friend. She stood and wrapped her arms around Anna's shoulders.

Mary turned and met John's eyes. He noticed it too. She watched as he tightened his jaw and stood to give Anna the next hug. Anna avoided him, though, and turned to give Mary a hug. But Mary placed her hands on Anna's shoulders and sighed.

"You're drunk," she accused.

"No," Anna laughed. "I'm not."

"You are," Mary countered.

"How about we sit down and order?" Tom broke in. Anna turned away from Mary and gave Tom a nod.

"Yes, thank you, Tom."

As they sat down, Mary's eyes remained on Anna. John could feel the tension between the two. He almost felt as though he was invading on a personal moment. He hadn't expected Mary to be angry, but he could see it on her face. While John had been prepared for his emotions, he could tell that Mary had not.

"Why do you insist on ruining your life?" Mary stated a beat later.

"I'm not sure….." Anna's words broke off. Tom, Sybil, and Matthew all sat there awkwardly between them. Even though they had known the plan, they hadn't expected the evening to start like this.

"We're worried about you, Anna," John broke in. "We care about you and want more for you."

"Yes," Sybil agreed. "We love you very much."

Anna tensed her shoulders and glanced around the table. "So, this was all a set up? We're not actually here to celebrate my birthday? It's an intervention?" Then she peered at John. "I'm guessing this was all your idea?"

"Perhaps," was all he said in response.

Anna blinked harshly and swallowed hard.

"I think it's time you got some real help," Mary continued. "There is a wonderful center nearby that you can go to."

"No," Anna said with a shake of her head. "I….I don't need a center. I…..Am I not allowed to drink on my birthday? On the anniversary of the day where Alex Green held me down, raped me, and then nearly murdered me?" Anna quietly, but eerily asked.

"It's not just that, Anna," Sybil's caring voice began. "You're in this path of self-destruction. This isn't really what you want. You had been doing so much better. Don't you want…."

"No," Anna muttered, tears filling her eyes. "Please, I can't hear this from you, too."

Sybil pressed her lips firmly together, but nodded her head. She sat back closer to Tom and sighed.

"You can't let him win, Anna. Every time you pick up a drink or sleep with a random man, you let him win," Mary strongly stated.

"What if I like sleeping with the men? Am I not allowed that?"

"It's self-destructive and you know it, Anna. You aren't doing it because you enjoy it. If I thought it made you happy, then that would be different."

Anna brought her hands together in front of her and began to tap her fingers against one another. She twisted her lips and glanced down at her plate. "I…..I want to go home. I…I can't be here with you, any of you, right now."

"Anna…." Mary started, but John shook his head.

"I'll take you home," John offered.

John expected her to tell him no. So he was surprised when she met his eyes and said, "Okay."

**_To be continued..._**

_Is Anna going to accept the help or not? I guess we'll find out soon enough! My muse is very into this story right now, so I'd guess the next chapter will be up in a day or two. Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think! _


	11. Chapter 11

**_Just a reminder that this story is dark and to be warned with trigger warnings. Enjoy! _**

**All This Time Spent in Vain**

They pulled into the parking lot of Anna's flat and John pulled a medium sized bag out from the backseat.

"What's this?" Anna questioned, taking the bag from his hands.

"Happy birthday," John simply replied.

"Should I open it now?"

"It's your birthday. Do whatever you like."

Anna curled her lips to the side and sighed.

"Why don't you come up and I'll open it upstairs in my flat?"

John studied her features, unsure of how he wanted to respond. Her drunkenness had faded some since they had left the restaurant. She seemed more sober than before and perhaps now would be the best time to reach her.

"Sure."

He got out of the car and rushed to Anna's to open her door for her. Anna stepped out of the car and led him upstairs to her apartment. Immediately entering her flat, John saw several new bottles of liquor sitting out in plain sight on her kitchen counter. His jaw clinched. But he decided against saying anything about it, yet. Dinner hadn't gone well. He needed to find the right opportunity to speak to her about getting help.

"Alright, take a seat," Anna said to him, before taking a seat on the other side of the couch. Slowly, she pulled the paper out from the bag and then pulled the book inside out. Her eyes instantly filled with tears. "_The Wizard of Oz_," Anna breathed. "It's beautiful."

It really was beautiful. It was an older copy with some wear and tear, but that's what made it so perfect. You could tell it had been loved by someone else and Anna loved it.

"I'm sorry you felt attacked tonight at your birthday dinner," John carefully started. Anna's fingers wrapped around the book and she brought it up to her chest, as if to protect herself.

"Let's not talk about it right now," Anna whispered. She inched herself closer to John and before he knew what was happening, she had caught his lips with her own. For a brief moment, John forgot all about what was going on around them and melted deeper into her kiss. His hand came up to rest behind her head and he felt her nibble against his lips. As soon as he allowed her tongue entrance between his lips, he was quickly reminded why this wasn't a good idea when he could taste the remnants of alcohol on her tongue. Quickly, he sat back and shook his head.

"What….?" Anna exasperatedly stated.

"We…we can't do this, Anna. Not now, not like this," John stated, breathless. Anna's brows furrowed. She placed the book on her coffee table, before standing up.

"But I thought….don't…don't you like me?" Anna asked, her voice quivering.

"Yes," John honestly replied, "But you need help Anna, you are drinking, and you are _sleeping with other men_." Anna swallowed hard and then covered her face with her hands. "I won't be another one of your conquests. If we ever….." John paused, standing up. "If we ever get to be together, I want it to be pure."

A chuckle left Anna's lips and her hands moved from her face. "I'm spoiled, remember? A fuck up."

"You are not. You've fallen again and I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly, Anna. I wish I could take all your pain away, but you have to fight. Go to the place Mary mentioned. Get the help you need. When I was drinking, I hurt the people I loved. I knew I needed help."

"I don't need help!" Anna nearly screamed. "I…..I'm just having a hard couple of weeks. You…you don't understand what I am feeling."

"No," John agreed. "I don't. And I'm sorry, but…"

"Everybody's sorry," Anna repeated, her face growing red with anger. "Everybody wants to help. But it's not that simple."

"God, Anna, not everything is about you!" John yelled back. "Stop wallowing in your self-pity and look at what you're doing to your friends, to Mary. She's doing everything in her power to walk on egg shells and help you through this and you just don't care."

"Get out," Anna sneered, pointing at the door. "I want you out of my flat. I don't need you, or anybody criticizing me. I know I'm a screw up. So everyone can just leave me the fuck alone."

John's jaw clinched and he grabbed his coat off the back of the chair. "Fine, Anna. Have fun ruining your life."

He turned on his heels, stepped out of the door, and closed it loudly behind him. For several moments, he stayed right outside her door, breathing heavily. He hadn't handled that as well as he had hoped to, but she was being incorrigible. Refusing any help.

John's phone dinged and he looked to see he had a message from Mary.

_Please tell me you got through to her._

John sighed. If anyone cared for Anna more than he did, it was Mary. Even though he didn't know her well, his heart broke for his friend's daughter.

_It didn't. I'm so sorry, Mary. _

_I'm losing my best friend, Bates. _Then a beat later she added. _Me too. I'm sorry, too. _

John slid his phone back into his pocket and glanced back at Anna's door. He couldn't hear any noise inside. He wondered whether she was crying or seething, maybe both. With a sigh, he walked down the staircase and to his car, hopeful she could see more clearly in the morning.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Within the hour, Anna found herself at the pub around the corner. There was no more need to cover her tracks by going out of town. She'd been outed today and had done it to herself. She hadn't meant to go to her birthday dinner drunk, but the prospect of going to the dinner within itself made her so anxious that she had to drink to make it through it.

"Hey, can I buy you a drink?" A man offered. Anna smiled at him and nodded.

"Sure."

"Two shots of tequila please," the man called out to the bartender.

"Oh, starting off strong I see," Anna playfully teased. The man's hand brushed along her lower back and brazenly landed on her upper hip.

"I like things strong," he murmured into her ear. Then he sat back and offered her his free hand, "I'm Adam."

"Hi Adam, I'm Anna." The bartender placed the two shots in front of them. They clicked the shot glasses together before shooting them down their throats. Anna brought her hand up to Adam's chest, grabbed at his shirt, and pulled him closer to her.

"Do you live near here?"

"Yes," Adam answered.

"A few more of those and then off to your apartment?"

"Totally."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Mary," Sybil calmly said, trying to ease her sister's tears. She handed Mary a small handkerchief and sat down next to her on the couch in Mary's living room.

"Did…did I let this happen? Was I not helpful enough?" Mary asked through her tears. Matthew fell onto his knee and grabbed her hand into his own.

"Absolutely not, Mary."

"What do I do now? Do I just let her go? Do I not care anymore?'

"No, Mary, you let her come to you when she's ready," Sybil assured her. "You don't have to do anything."

"No," Matthew agreed. "Look, I have to go over to your parents' house. I know it's late, but your father called me in a tizzy worried about the legalities of something at Downton that needs to be settled by tomorrow morning. Will you be alright? Should I try to cancel?"

"No," Mary said with a shake of her head. "Don't do that. Papa will just trouble Bates with it next and he's the last person who needs to be bothered right now."

"I'll stay here with Mary tonight," Sybil offered.

"Okay, please call me if you need me," Matthew said, placing a kiss on Mary's forehead. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

His apartment was cleaner than most men she had shagged. It was the first thing she noticed. His hands ran up her sides and he bent down to try to catch her lips with his own, but she turned her head to the side.

"I…I don't kiss," she explained.

"What?" Adam asked, confused. "You don't kiss."

"No, when I have one night stands with guys, I don't kiss," she stated again. And it was true. She never kissed the men, never looked them in the eye. It was always quick, to the point, and always left her reeling afterwards. Yet, she always came back to it.

"Well, okay," Adam muttered. He grabbed her wrist and led her to his bedroom.

Once they made it into his bedroom, Anna pushed him onto his bed and crawled on top of him. But what happened next, surprised her. He twisted them so that he was on top and grabbed her arms, pinning them over her head.

"What…what are you doing?" She asked, her heart hammering in her chest.

"I told you I like things strong," He explained. Anna tugged her arms and tried to get them out of his hold.

"Let me go," she strongly stated.

"Relax, I'll make this good for you," Adam said, bending down and peppering kisses along her neck. Anna tensed and tried to push against him with her body.

"Please let me go," she now begged. Adam dropped his hands from her wrist and brought them to her front. He tugged at her top button, ripping the top of her dress and making her exposed.

The sound and his stance made Anna's body run cold. Panic consumed her body and she found herself frozen in her spot.

"What's this?" He asked, running his finger down the light scar. In doing so, he unbuttoned more of her buttons and followed the scar to her belly button. He saw the beginnings of the harsher one and pushed her dress to the side so he could see it better.

"I….." Anna stammered. Her breaths sharpened. Adam flipped her to her stomach and began to pull her dress off her body.

"This will be better," he muttered into her ear. Anna shook her head. His hands ran down her back and rested right above her knickers.

"Stop…" she pleaded. "Stop it!"

"You said you wanted to have fun!" Adam stated. "This is what you wanted!"

"No!" Anna screamed, turning herself over and with failing arms, hitting Adam across the cheek. He sat back and covered his jaw with his hand.

"You bitch!"

Anna scrambled off the bed and grabbed her torn dress off the floor. She was able to rearrange some of the buttons so it would cover her and she stepped backwards against the wall, frightened.

"I told you I liked things strong and you said you wanted to come up here," Adam seethed.

"This…this is not what I wanted," Anna cried.

"You're such a tease!"

Anna rushed out of the apartment and as soon as she was out of the doorway, she burst into hot, strong tears. _His_ hands were on her again. _His _laughter filled her ears.

_See Anna? You're just worthless. All you're good for is a quick shag. _

Anna covered her ears with her hands, but all it did was make the voices louder. She needed more to drink, but they had taken a cab here and it would take ages to get another one tonight.

Tears blurred her vision and she took several steps. She blinked back the tears and rested her back against the wall. She couldn't call Mary. She couldn't call John. She couldn't call anybody.

_No one wants you anyway. You're spoiled, remember? Ruined? _

Taking a deep breath, Anna sat herself up. She would call a car, wait for it, and then go back home. There she could drink until she passed out.

But as she pulled her phone out of her pocket, she realized she was at the same apartment complex she had been at that morning.

What was the guy's name again? What was the number of his flat? Anna wondered to herself. She tried to recall where she had walked out this morning. She remembered that he was on the first floor, so she quickly walked down a flight and glanced over the building to see if she saw anything familiar.

And there it was. The bright orange car. It was what they rode to his flat.

"115," Anna said to herself. "115." But she couldn't remember his name. It was a blur, like all the others.

When she reached the door, Anna paused. Closing her eyes, she brought her fist up and knocked against the wood. Just a moment later, the door opened.

"Ah! It's the birthday girl!" The guy said with delight. "So glad you decided to come back to old Mikey."

"Mikey, right," Anna said, with a nod.

"Yeah, wanna come in?"

"Sure. Did you happen to score that molly you were speaking about this morning?"

Mikey grinned and pulled up a bag to shake in front of Anna.

"I sure did. Would you like to partake with me?"

"Yes, absolutely, I would."

_**To be continued...**_

_**Thank you for reading! **_


	12. Chapter 12

_To the reviewer asking about molly. It is a form of ecstasy as per my google search. I am not knowlegable in this at all and had to google any and all information for this story. Hope that helps! _

**Hope Remains **

Mikey handed the bag over to Anna and took her hand, pulling her into his flat. Anna giggled, a sense of euphoria filling her. Soon, all the voices would go away. Soon, she would feel better.

She opened the bag and pulled out two of the capsules. Mikey's hand covered hers and he shook his head.

"No, no, birthday girl," he stated. "Just start with one. You don't want to overdo it. Have you ever had molly before?"

Anna's head shook. "No."

"Yeah, start with one. Want a drink?"

"Yes, please," Anna stated. Unlike before, there was no trepidation about the drugs as there had been before. And deep down, Anna knew that was bad, dangerous. Yet, she didn't seem to care. She palmed an extra pill so Mikey wouldn't see. When he gave her the drink, she took a big swig, dropped the pills into her mouth and swallowed hard.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"You should sleep," Sybil told her sister. It was nearing midnight and Mary had been unable to settle herself.

"I can't," Mary honestly replied. "I…I wonder if we should try to find her. What if she's doing something reckless?" Sybil sighed.

"Even if she is, you can't stop her, Mary," Sybil explained.

"It was my party," Mary cried, tears slipping down her cheeks. "I….I had to throw her that surprise party. If I hadn't…." Mary's breath hitched in her throat. Sybil reached out and grabbed her sister's hands into her own.

"It wasn't your fault," Sybil strongly told her. "It was Alex Green's and his only. He followed her outside and took advantage of her. You had _nothing_ to do with it."

"But…."

"No, Mary. It was not your fault."

Mary parted her lips about to say something when her phone began to ring. She glanced down at her phone and then up to Sybil.

"It's Anna," she breathed. She clicked the answer button and anxiously brought it to her ear.

"Anna?" Mary nervously asked.

"Um, yeah, yo," a male's voice started on the other end. "You…you gotta come and pick up your friend."

"Who is this? Why do you have my friend's phone?"

"This is Mikey," the voice had a bit of laughter to it. He sounded high.

"Where is Anna?"

"Oh, the birthday girl! Yeah, you gotta come and get her. She's super paranoid. Keeps screaming that he's going to get her."

"Who's going to get her? What…."

"I don't know. She's got her hands over her ears and is crying. She's got a bad high."

"High? What did she take? What is she on?"

"Molly," Mikey told her. Mary's heart sunk. "She might need to go to the hospital, but I can't drive and I'm not sending an ambulance to my house."

"I….I'll send someone over right away to come and get her. What's your address?"

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John sat in his dark living room staring out the window. The moonlight gave him a small amount of light. He sat thinking about what he wanted to do with his life now. There had been a time weeks ago where he thought he had started to feel whole again. For too many years, he didn't feel like he belonged anywhere. Then he met Anna. There was something about her that he felt drawn to. He knew she needed help and that the likeliness of anything happening between them was rare, but he still felt things for her.

The fact that she had decided to go back down the path of self-destruction both broke his heart and angered him. She needed to want better for herself. He knew she was worth much more than she thought.

His musings were broken at the sound of his phone ringing. His lips pursed together and he lifted the phone, checking who could be calling at this ungodly hour.

"Mary?" His heart skipped a beat. This had to be about Anna.

"Bates, thank god you answered. I…Anna is at a flat near you. Sybil is on her way to pick you up. She….Anna took molly. She….she's having a bad high or…or something. I don't know. I'm sending Sybil since she's a doctor, but I didn't want her to go alone because I have no idea what she'll run into there. I…."

"I'll get her," John promised Mary. "I'll let you know as soon as we have her, alright?" He heard Mary sniffle on the other end.

"Alright. Thank you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John brought his fist up to the door and pounded against the wood harshly. His heart was hammering in his chest and he was worried about what he would find on the other side. Sybil stood behind him with a small medical bag within her hands. There was no answer and John began to pound his fist against the door again.

Finally the door swung open. A young man was standing at the door and he glanced between John and Sybil.

"We're here for Anna," John quickly explained. The man's face went to relief.

"Oh good, because she's passed out and I was worried I was going to have to call the ambulance and then…."

John didn't give him a chance to finish his sentence. He rushed through the small flat trying to find Anna. Sybil's steps were close behind him. He finally found Anna in the bedroom, laying on the bed.

"Anna," John tried, shaking her shoulders slightly. "Anna?"

"Let me," Sybil said, gently pushing John to the side. John sat back and ran his hands through his hair. Mikey walked into the room. Unable to contain himself, John rushed over to him, pressed his arm against his chest, and pushed him up against the wall.

"What did you give her?" He screamed. Mikey shook his head.

"She…she came here asking for it! She's an adult," Mikey yelled back.

"What was it?" John shoved Mikey harder.

"M…molly. And she had some beers. I told her to take only one pill, but I think she took more….."

"John, we need to get her in the car and to my office, right away," Sybil said. John dropped Mikey and turned to Sybil.

"Not the hospital?" Sybil's head shook.

"She's not that far gone. If we keep her out of the hospital, it keeps her out of trouble for illegal drugs. But to do that, we have to go now."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna groaned. Light from the sun hit her eyes and she closed them sharply and turned her head to the side. Slowly, she started to open her eyes again and she realized she was at home in her own bed. In her arm was an IV and as she followed the line coming from her arm, she saw the bag of fluids hanging on a rack next to her. She brought her free hand up to her head and she let out a shuddering breath.

"Anna," Mary's quiet voice came from beside her. Anna turned and saw Mary sitting in the chair next to her bed.

"What…." Anna's voice was hoarse. She could see Mary's cheeks were puffy from tears and Anna chewed on her lower lip.

"You gave us all quite a scare," Mary evenly stated. Anna pressed her hand firmly against her temple. She could hear voices in her living room and tried to turn to see who else was here.

"Sybil and John are here. They were with you all night. Sybil got you stable. She saved your life," Mary explained.

Anna blinked harshly. Suddenly it was all coming back. The guy who held her down. Her need for the voices to go away. Mikey with the molly.

A loud sob broke from Anna's lips as she realized just how far she had fallen. Mary got up and out of her chair, before sitting next to Anna. Then, she wrapped her arms around Anna's shoulders and pulled her against her chest.

With calming circles, Mary rubbed her hand against Anna's back. She didn't say anything. She only remained calm and allowed Anna to cry.

After several minutes, Anna sat back and met Mary's eyes.

"I….I wasn't thinking straight. I…"

"No," Mary agreed. "You weren't."

"I….I've hurt you so much, Mary. I….I'm so sorry," Anna cried. Mary sighed and she reached up, to push the hair off of Anna's cheeks.

"Please tell me you'll go to that rehab center I was telling you about."

Anna nodded. "Yes…I…I'll go. I….I am so scared, Mary. So incredibly scared." Mary pulled Anna back into her arms and held her firmly.

"I know. Me too."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Later that day, Sybil checked Anna's vitals and told her she would come and check on her the next day. Anna thanked her for saving her life and apologized to her for everything. Sybil, as always, was kind. More kind than Anna deserved, she thought.

As Sybil left the room, Anna saw John standing at the doorway. Anna felt her heart constrict in her chest. He was still here, despite all she had done. Anna felt she truly didn't deserve any of them.

"Please come in," Anna said to John. She watched as he mulled over the decision on whether or not he should and then finally settled on a yes. He stepped into the room and pulled a seat close to Anna's bed. "Thank you for coming and getting me last night. If it weren't for you and Sybil, I'd probably be dead. Two birthdays in a row I nearly died," Anna added, her brows furrowing.

"I don't think you should go for three in a row next year," John lightly said.

"No," Anna agreed. Then the two sat in awkward silence. Anna finally spoke a few moments later.

"I…I'm sorry for kissing you. That wasn't fair," Anna started. John shifted uneasily in the chair.

"I didn't hate it," John said, meeting her eyes. "I do like you, Anna. I care for you, very much." Anna felt her breath hitch in her throat at his words. "But you are not in any place for a relationship right now."

"No," Anna agreed, again. John reached his hand out, taking Anna's within his own. Anna held her breath, as she interlocked her fingers with his. "Can we still be friends?"

"Yes," John answered. "Always."

"And will you visit me while I'm away? I'm going to be gone for at least three months. Mary says three months gives me the best chance for recovery."

"Of course I'll come and visit you," John promised. He brought their hands up to his lips and kissed her knuckles.

"I….I do want to get better and I almost did," Anna said. "The meetings with you helped. But then…I don't know. My birthday was right around the corner and he was there, you know? In my mind."

"I know," John murmured.

"He laughed," Anna confessed to John, as fresh tears welled in her eyes.

"Who laughed?"

"_Him_. As he came inside of me, he stabbed me with a knife and started laughing. I can't get that laugh out of my head."

"Anna…"

"You won't….you won't go away, will you?"  
"No," John replied. Then a beat later he added, "A year." Anna's brows raised.

"A year?"

"If you stay sober and clear for a year, you can start dating," John told her.

"What…what are you saying? Are you saying you'd wait a year for me?"

"My darling, I'd wait a lifetime for you. Just focus on yourself for now. Go to the center. Do what you need to do. When you get out, we'll be friends. We'll get back to our book meetings. And in a year, we'll see where we stand."

"Okay," Anna whispered, keeping her fingers locked with John's. "One year."

**_To be continued..._**

_I think there is just one more chapter to this story, but there may be two. Thanks for reading! _


	13. Chapter 13

_The conclusion is here and it's kind of sad to me, because I loved this story. But when a story is done, it's done and I have to give it that completeness. However, I think this chapter was worth waiting for and going through the heartache of the story. It's definitely rated M for mature. So be prepared for steaminess ahead. Enjoy! _

**Take Me Home** **to My Heart**

"You look well," Mary happily stated, walking up to Anna and wrapping her arms around her tightly. Anna brought her arms up too and gratefully hugged her friend back. It had been nearly two months that she had been in the rehab center.

"I feel….better," Anna replied. "Not perfect, but better. How's the new baby? I….I hate that I missed her arrival."

Mary handed Anna her phone to show her a photo of the one month old baby.

"Oh she's beautiful, Mary."

"I know," Mary agreed. "Let's sit down."

Anna nodded. She sat down in the chair across from Mary and began to anxiously rub her hands back and forth.

"I….I want to apologize for everything, Mary. I took advantage of our friendship and that wasn't fair of me. I not only put our relationship at risk, but our company too. I know that I have a lot to make amends for and I'll owe you for a long time for helping me pay for this place. I just hope that I can prove that I was worth it."

"Oh Anna," Mary breathed. "You are. You are my dearest and longest friend. The best thing you could do for me is to keep getting better. When you get out, we'll get you back to work. If that's what you want, of course. No jumping into anything you aren't ready for."

"You're too good to me," Anna said, biting down on her lower lip. "But I do want to go back to work. I miss it. This place is nice. It challenges me in many ways, but in others it is way easier. Here there aren't as many triggers."

"Triggers?"

"Things that make me want to drink or go and sleep recklessly with another man. For instance, someone screaming or my birthday. The gardens at Downton. The voices in my head. Well, I guess that trigger will follow me everywhere and is here, but the others are not. We are working on what to do when something triggers those responses from me, because I can't live here forever where I'm protected from falling back into a path of self-destruction."

"Have you spoken to John?" Mary questioned, making Anna blush.

"We've written each other letters. You're my first visitor. He's going to come and visit in a week."

"Good. You both seem to make one another happy and that's all I want for you, Anna. To be happy and healthy."

"Me too, Mary. Thank you, so much, for sticking by me through it all. And it wasn't your fault," Anna strongly added. "It wasn't your fault that Alex Green followed me out into the gardens or that he was at the party. I need you to hear it from me that I don't blame you, not one bit for what happened."

"But, Anna….." Mary started with a shake of her head.

"Do you blame me for getting attacked because I went outside?" Anna countered. Mary sharply shook her head back and forth.

"Of course not!"

"Exactly. Just like it's not my fault, it is not yours either. I love you, Mary. Let that guilt go."

Anna jumped out of her chair and wrapped her arms around Mary, who had begun to cry.

"You're the best friend a girl could ask for. I am so very grateful for you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

She was anxious. Today started her new life. After today, she would no longer be protected by the walls of this place.

Stepping outside, she held her breath. She wasn't sure what she expected to happen, and nothing did. But right outside the kindest smile greeted her. She happily sighed and rushed toward his broad frame.

"Hi," Anna said, before wrapping her arms around him.

"Hi," John said back. "Mary thought you might prefer to be picked up by me than her and the kids. Matthew is off on a work trip and she didn't have anyone to watch George and Letty."

"Yes, I am glad it's you." Anna smiled. "So glad." She pulled back and resisted the urge to place a kiss upon his lips. She had only been sober for three months. They still had nine months to go before they could officially date.

"I thought we could grab a bite to eat and then head to the bookstore." John linked his hand with Anna's and her smile brightened.

"That sounds wonderful."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Over the next several months, Anna had to work on finding her new normal. Life wasn't easy. She still struggled. Some days were easier than others. Now she went to counseling a few days a week and to AA meetings. For the time being, she had stepped down as partner at the company she had started with Mary. And Mary had agreed with her choice. Anna needed to focus on her healing. She still worked at the company and worked hard, but she didn't have the responsibilities a partner would hold.

She and John went back to their weekly meetings at the bookstore and then coffee shop. And they added a midweek meeting at a restaurant to catch up. Anna looked forward to those dates the best.

She had begun to feel a bit like herself again. The urge to drink and have reckless sex didn't become a daily challenge to fight against. Now it just hit her now and again. And it was mainly drinking. The love that was blooming in her chest for John had helped to quell that other dangerous urge.

But now her birthday month was approaching again. In two days it would be April. The thought of facing her birthday had her speaking to her sponsor a lot and going to extra AA meetings.

"So, I had a thought," John started one day as they sat in the coffee shop.

"And what is that thought?" Anna wondered. Her hand went to cover his and ran lazy circles over his wrist with her thumb. As her year of sobriety came closer and closer, the two had become bolder with their small touches to one another.

"I thought we could go to Australia," John stated. Anna chuckled.

"Australia?" She asked, flabbergasted.

"Well, haven't you always wanted to go?"

"Yes," Anna agreed.

"I found some flights that leave on April 16th and we would arrive on April 18th." Anna's brows furrowed.

"So, we would just skip over April 17th?" Anna asked.

"Yes," John replied. Anna's lips curled into a smile. "We would arrive on your one year anniversary of being sober. We could celebrate as a proper couple then."

"And skip over my birthday," Anna added, her heart feeling light.

"Only if you'd like. If you don't want…."

"No, I do. That sounds wonderful," Anna told him. And suddenly the idea of her birthday approaching no longer seemed to weigh as heavily on her. She bent forward and kissed John's cheek. "Thank you," she said, sitting back. "For everything."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Are you sure you're okay with me going away for two weeks?" Anna questioned Mary, as she held 11 month old Letty in her arms. The small girl looked just like her mother, Anna mused. The girl placed her hand against Anna's cheek and Anna nuzzled her nose against her neck, making her giggle.

"Absolutely! This was a brilliant idea of Bates'. You go and have fun. Celebrate a year of sobriety and being a proper couple as well," Mary said with a sly wink.

"Oh Mary!" Anna chuckled, her cheeks burning red.

"What? Isn't that what you two have been looking forward to? The sexual tension between you two is always so strong whenever I'm around the both of you."

"I'm not sure we'll jump right to that, Mary. I'm not even sure I'm ready…." Anna allowed her words to fade and she began to worry that this was what the trip was all about. She knew that John would never pressure her into something she wasn't ready for, but what if she had been giving him the wrong idea? What if she let him down?

"Oh, of course not, and John would never…."

"Yeah," Anna said, adjusting Letty on her lap. "He wouldn't."

"You are going to have a blast, Anna. Just focus on having a good time."

"I will."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

They arrived in Sydney bright and early in the morning. John had planned everything down to the minute. Someone took their belongings to the hotel they would be staying in and then they were skirted off to a breakfast by the harbor.

"This is so beautiful, John," Anna exclaimed. John's hand came to rest upon her knee and he gave it a loving squeeze.

"Happy one year sober, Anna," he said. She smiled. Now April could be her month of sobriety, something else to celebrate. It no longer had to be about her birthday. She leaned across the table, and for the first time in over a year, her lips met John's. To deepen their kiss, John brought his hand up and behind Anna's head. Anna eagerly moaned and dipped her tongue into his mouth.

Panting, the two pulled apart and rested their foreheads on one another.

"I guess you're my proper boyfriend now, Mr. Bates," Anna playfully stated. Her cheeks were flushed and she was looking forward to two straight weeks of it just being the two of them.

"Actually," John started, as he climbed down on one knee and pulled a small black box out of his pocket. Anna gasped. "I know we haven't 'officially' dated yet, but every moment we've spent together all I can think of is how I don't want to spend another moment without you, Anna."

Anna's heart was racing in her chest.

"I…." Anna stuttered, completely thrown off guard.

"There is no pressure, Anna. If you say, no. It won't make this trip awkward. I promise," John gently said, beginning to pull himself up. But Anna went down to her knees in front of him and smiled.

"Yes, John. I…..There is nothing more in life that I could want more than to be married to you," she said to him, before John lifted the ring out of the box and carefully placed it on her finger.

Anna grabbed his cheeks and pressed her lips firmly against his. Then she sat back and laughed.

"Mary is going to be so upset she missed this," Anna told John. But John shook his head.

"No, she knows. She helped me pick out your ring," John informed her.

"Oh," Anna replied, a chuckle still on her lips. Then she kissed John again. "Do we have to wait to get married? Because I don't want to. I want to marry you as soon as possible, John."

John's lips were covered with a smile. "We can do it whenever you'd like, my darling."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Within a few hours they figured out how to get married in Sydney and that day. They learned that they were able to get married there without any issues even though they weren't citizens. They also made sure that it would follow them when they went back to England. Anna called Mary to tell her she was getting married and all she did was squeal happily.

"I am so happy for you, Anna. Take a lot of pictures and tell me all about it when you come home."

Getting married felt so right. There was no hesitation or fear in Anna that she was moving too quickly. She and John had known each other for over a year. He had seen the worst of her and still loved her.

But once they got back to the hotel that evening, Anna began to panic some. Being married made certain things imminent. Wedding nights held certain expectations. And while she had had sex, she had never made love. It was always just sex. No kissing, no feelings. But tonight…..

When they reached the front door, John opened it and Anna remained frozen in her spot. Her heart was racing and she nearly turned on her heel to run away. John seemed to sense her hesitation and took her hands into his own.

"I don't expect anything from you, Anna," John told her. Anna met his eyes and she bit down on the inside of her cheek. "I wanted to be married to you and now I am. And that makes me the happiest man on this earth. But I don't want to rush you into anything you aren't ready for. I'll wait for as long as you need to."

Hearing his promise not to push her, Anna began to calm her breaths. Then she gave him a crooked smile.

"Aren't you going to carry me over the threshold?" Anna asked. John heartily laughed, before swinging Anna up into his arms and leading her into the hotel room.

They had the perfect room with a view right over the harbor. John set Anna down and she stepped toward the window, looking down at the lights.

"I…I do want to….to consummate our marriage, John," Anna said, turning to face him. "I just….after I was raped, everyone I was with, it was just sex. I…I have never made love with someone. I've never looked them in the eye, kissed them, or felt satisfied."

"Never? Not once?" John asked, stepping closer to Anna.

"No," Anna admitted. "Before…the attack, I had never been with anyone. I…well, I am human, I had taken care of things on my own from time to time, but….since the attack, I have never been able to find that satisfaction again. Not even on my own."

John's hands ran down her arms and he bent down to kiss her lips.

"We don't have to do anything tonight, Anna. Absolutely, no pressure. I want you to be ready."

"I want to be with you, John. But I worry that I won't be adequate. I don't have any real experience," Anna quietly confessed.

"Well, that is something I can promise you that you won't be. You will be more than adequate," he promised.

Anna licked her lower lip, before standing on her tiptoes and placing her hands on his shoulders to give her leverage. Then she bent forward and crashed her lips into his. John brought his hands up and under her top, pressing his fingers into her skin.

"I love you," John murmured against her cheek, when Anna pulled back and began to run her hands over his chest.

"I love you, too," she breathed. Her fingers twiddled over his top buttons and she finally unbuttoned the first two so she could run her fingers over his bare skin. "I…..it's likely that I won't reach my peak, so I don't want you to feel like…."

"Shh," John whispered into her ear, before leading them back to the bed. He sat himself down at the edge and then led Anna to stand in front of him. She continued to unbutton his shirt and slowly made her way to the bottom until his chest was fully exposed. Her hands flattened over his chest and she could feel his heart pounding against her hands.

She pushed his shirt off his shoulders and John helped to shrug it off, before throwing it to the floor. When John's hands came to the bottom of her shirt to lift it, Anna placed hers over his to stop him.

"You…you haven't seen my scars. I…I don't know…." But John shook his head and slowly began to bring her shirt up. He pressed Anna forward and fell to his knees. His lips caressed along the jagged line of the scar on her belly.

"Beautiful," he told her between kisses. "This shows you are a survivor, Anna. This scar is beautiful."

Tears filled Anna's eyes and she ran her fingers through John's hair, as he continued his caresses up her thinner, longer scar up her chest and brought her shirt up and over her head with it. His lips found hers, again, and she sighed contently into his lips.

Her hands went to his back and she ran her fingers over his spine, making him shudder against her. His hands traveled to her back, as well, and he brushed his fingers against the back of her bra. Meeting Anna's eyes, she nodded, giving him permission to open it. With a flick of his finger, the bra became undone and John gently pulled it down and off Anna's frame.

Anna inhaled sharply as John's eyes fell over her.

"You are so beautiful," he told her.

Anna's lips parted. She shifted them so that she was now against the bed and sat down, pushing herself up to the pillows. John followed swiftly with her so that soon he was nearly on top of her, holding himself up with his hands. Their lips met and Anna reached back to pull her hair down and out of its braid.

John lifted his head up to meet Anna's eyes as one of his hands rested gently on her right breast. Anna nodded and John began to knead against it with his palm, before dropping his mouth down to the other breast to give it attention as well.

It was then that Anna began to feel a wetness pool between her legs and she realized it was the first time anyone had done that to her. She gasped and writhed beneath his touch. Slowly, his hand left her breast and ran down the length of her abdomen, before resting right above her pants.

"Do you trust me?" John asked her. Anna's eyes popped open.

"I trust you with my life," she answered. John slipped her pants and knickers down and off her legs. As he sat up and was away from her, Anna moaned, missing his heat against her skin. His hands landed right above her knees and he ran them up her thighs in a soothing motion, making Anna ache for him. Surprising her, he then lifted her legs and hooked her knees over his shoulders.

"If you want me to stop, just say the word," John said. Anna's head just shook. John parted her folds with his fingers and slowly explored. Anna buckled against his touch. He allowed one finger to enter her and watched as Anna's head fell back against the pillows. Then he added a second, growing faster and searching for the areas that made her moan in pleasure. He finally dipped his head down and licked her most sensitive spot. Anna nearly screamed out in ecstasy.

"Don't stop," Anna pleaded. John didn't. His fingers and lips continued to move to give her pleasure. Soon, she bucked up and her body quaked. John slowed his movements until Anna's body calmed. He placed her legs gently down, before moving up so he was lying next to her.

Anna was still nearly breathless and her cheeks were flushed.

"That….wow," she murmured. John smiled. "I…I want you." She said a beat later. Her hands reached for his pants, but John stood and quickly pulled them off of him. Anna swallowed hard. It was the first time she had seen him completely nude. "Wow," she said again.

She reached out for him and he obliged, crawling back onto the bed.

"Would you like to be on top?" John asked her. Anna shook her head.

"Not for our first time. I want you on top, so we can be close. I want to feel you with me," she explained. She reached out to touch him, but he stopped her.

"I'm already worked up, my darling. You do that now and we won't be able to do anything else," he said into her ear. He positioned himself on top of her and slowly ran his length against her center. Anna writhed and opened her legs wider to give him access. Since it had been a while, John had to enter slowly to help her body adjust to his size.

Once he was in, Anna wrapped her arms around him and held him close. He slowly began to move within her and Anna returned his movements. As they continued, Anna felt tears falling down her cheeks. She rolled her hips toward John and another tear came down.

"My darling, should we stop?" John worriedly asked. Anna's head shook.

"No….it's just….it's so wonderful. I have never felt this complete before," Anna cried. John peppered kisses over her cheeks, kissing the tears away.

Anna turned her lips so that they would meet John's. She could tell he was close to coming, so she guided his hand down between them to help her meet her high with him. He came and she followed a second later.

"Thank you," Anna whispered into John's ear, as she held him close.

"I should be thanking you," John replied.

The two fell asleep contently within one another's arms.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The next morning, Anna awoke to breakfast in bed. John had ordered in room service while she was still asleep.

"You spoil me," Anna told John. He gathered the blankets and slid in next to her, kissing the curve of her neck.

"For the rest of our lives, my darling," he promised.

"What's on the itinerary for today?" Anna queried.

"Whatever you wish?" At that, Anna gave him a wily smile.

"Then I think I just want to stay in here and spend the day with you." John moved the tray away from Anna, before lifting her up and bringing her on top of him, making her laugh.

"Done."

"Oh, Mr. Bates, whatever will I do with you?" She asked between chuckles.

"I don't know, Mrs. Bates, but I am sure you'll figure it out." Anna wrapped her arms around John's neck and bent down to caress his lips with her own.

"I will," she agreed. "I will. Now let's eat before breakfast gets cold."

"Whatever you wish."

**THE END**


End file.
